This past week during a conversation with a friend sparked a thought ... a thought that is lingering and unfolding into many more thoughts on the epic word "commitment". Yes, commitment, the word that would usually have me running in the other direction for fear of being caught in the chains of restriction and obligation. Commitment I have long believed means the end of freedom...or does it...
My friend Rhonda is the most awesome club person you'll ever meet. She created, yes, created from out of a thought in her head, the Calgary Outdoors Club, which grew to connect 1000's of people. Among other amazing club creations she recently started the Culture Club in Edmonton. It's a fabulous way to connect with other people who share interests and want to go on an outing with a group. It's not a dating club, just a social club, no pressures associated, simply fun in numbers greater than one.
I love what she has created, I love the idea of it and the fact that it's in full swing with a website, on line registration, event postings etc. It's easy to be in a group...all I need to do is click and go. Yet, most often when I think of being in a group, being an official member, a number more than one, I start to panic. My heart beats faster, my hands get all clammy... ask Rhonda, I probably even go all fidgety when I'm declining yet another group invitation.
My clammy response to the culture club is similar to my experience with the two book clubs that I said yes to. I appreciate these book club selections, value that they exist bringing together other avid readers for discussion...yet I have declined every single one of the group get togethers. And truthfully I have no intention of going, ever. I really don't want to schedule the time, make the trip and sit around talking about the books with others. I'd love to have spontaneous literary discussion but nothing planned, no thank you to organized coordinated events. I brush it off with the idea that I simly don't want to give up my alone time to be in group time.
All this being said I mentioned to Rhonda that I was super excited to have found a Toastmaster club in Edmonton that I will be joining. Knowing my hesitation to be in a "club" she laughingly said "but I thought you weren't a club person". Good point! The door of inner reflection was opened. This statement lead me into a week long process of peeling away the layers of why this Toastmaster's club works more conveniently and logically into my life, why I am eager for this and not that, and ultimately back to where I started this blog...what I am commited to.
What am I committed to? The answer to this question is a guiding light to me when I make my decisions. The more conscious I am to what the answer is the more solid I am in the choices I make. I am committed very strongly now to keeping my life clutter free, in mind, body and spirit. Clutter is much more than how many trinkets I have on the shelf, how many pairs of shoes are in the closet... clutter is also the piling up of beliefs I don't want to hold onto, feelings that are negative and destructive, saying yes when i want to say no, filling time and space with things and people (although very lovely and delightful). I really just want the open space...not to be filled with more stuff, just space to breathe, think, be, change, evolve, simplify, laugh, engage, enjoy, share...
It feels like I am indulging in an ultimate experience of snobbery of sorts. Or at least I think that may be how it's projected. Yet being clear on my commitment to an uncluttered life, one that I have come to through many lonely struggling days to a place of content stillness I am not eager to release myself, not yet, into the hustle and bustle of be here, do that, bring this, turn right when I want to turn left, be this, be that, jump higher, don't stop...yadda yadda yadda. Our society promotes wanting and needing more, more, more so it's odd to be stepping outside of that influence and feel that I have enough just the way it is, just the way I am. Wow...did I just say that out loud? I am enough just the way I am... hmmmm...yet another thought that shall linger long after I've stopped typing.
My new found Toastmaster club meets once a month, for two hours of focused personal and professional growth. That fits my other commitments of what I like to do in my private life which makes the choice sweeter and easier to make. I didn't break into a sweat over deciding whether or not I should join. It was a moment of instant clarity. Currently I am not commited to expanding my social network but I am commited to better communication which is what Toastmasters is all about. It's like trying on a cozy wool sweater in the middle of January when it's -35. Nice fit, good colour and the timing is right. If I tried on the exact same sweater in the middle of July when it's +35 the timing would be off and the sweater would stay at the store rather than come home with me. Timing, purpose and a good fit must work together for the experience to happen with ease and grace.
As an added bonus the TM meetings are close to where I live, they are in the same building that I work (that's how we met) and the club president is one of those people that "clicked" for me. She's someone I know I will learn from. Ken, if you're reading, this it was just like the day you came to the Obasa office for an unrelated matter and I ended up joining the Prairie Schooner TM club. In both instances the clubs found me, which leads me into another one of my commitments of allowing that which needs me to find me....no stress, no struggle... just a meeting at the right time and place. A living example of a favourite wisdom quote by Ernest Holmes who said "that which you are seeking is also seeking you".
Positive space expands, negative space contracts. How big do I want my life to be? How expansive do I want my mind to be? My commitment thus comes from my desire to experience infinite space. To live this way I must make choices rather than say yes to everything and everyone. Not every thought fits my world. Not every emotion needs to stay. Keeping the commitment to being clutter free I more quickly let go of feelings of sadness, fear, doubt and uncertainty. When those feeling arise within and start to cloud my world I see that they are taking up space that I don't want to give them. They are robbing me of precious space that I could be enjoying. Space that could be filled with love, happiness, joy, silence, peace, humour. I let them go quickly...at best they do not even sit long enough within to gather dust. If they insist on staying a while it's not for too long as the space is rather clean clutter so they feel unwelcome. They know to move on.
Also in my commitment I must choose to accept saying good bye to people, places, things and experiences that are leaving my presence for reasons I may not like or understand. A process which is harder as I don't feel in control, but one that is critical if I am to hold strong to my deeper longing for infinite space. Contracting my thoughts only hold the hurt longer thus holding me back from embracing the lesson and experiencing the change fully.
The choices of what I commit to will vary given a multitude of factors. Being full of stuff, having a packed schedule and raging emotions for me don't equate to adding space to my life, they are in fact the opposite. In the clarity of open space I see and feel which choices are in alignment with my commitment. The end result is an authentic experience, whether I am alone or with a group, in which I am fully present and conscious of my commitment to be in uncluttered space, an open mind with an infinite variety of directions that the moment may evolve into.
It's important for me to remember that my group can be as small as two, I don't have to wait for a big gaggle of people. For example my group is also me and my daughter. Daily we go through the dramatic situations that arise with a teenage girl. I get my practice every morning...from cataclysmic life ending situations around hairdos to what to have for breakfast the scenarios for practicing being cluttered and uncluttered emotionally is real and ongoing. I enlisted for this club when I chose to have children and when I chose to move here to be close to them. Our clubs can be family, friends, work or strangers. When I own my place in the connection and I start to see what space I want them to have in my world.
I know the experience of being so twisted and cluttered physically and emotionally that I was suffocating in a magnitude of "stuff". My brain was literally in a process of exploding forcing me to lie in bed wondering if all the physical pain caused by all the stress was bad enough this time to cause a stroke. One night in particular I lay in the dark wondering if maybe, just maybe, this was the night that my body would have had enough and my heart would stop beating. Those were times when I lived so consumed and cluttered with beliefs, expectations, duties, regrets, ambitions and activities that I couldn't decide anything. I was stalemated and mired in a complicated existence.
My move to a simpler life, a quieter space, downsized and decluttered is a gift that I couldn't have fathomed possible during those times of struggle. I send a thank you back in time for the inner part of me that knew there was another way and it was coming, like the light of sunrise that assuredly follows the darkest nights. First I needed to let go, not just in words, but in action...over and over and over again until the new life opened and the stillness entered.
I am a committed person. I am committed to that which leads to stillness, not just in the pages of a book but in the experiences of my life. In that space I feel like I can serve others with more clarity, purpose, passion and joy. This is ultimately what I feel I am here to do. A huge thank you to Rhonda for her statement that lead to a question that lead to an answer that opened the door to more space.... "To infinity and beyond"...
