I'm reading Seth Godin's book "Linchpin". I was reading merrily along agreeing agreeing having some lightbulb moments and then... bang... he said something today that made me close the book and go for a walk. Honest to god I couldn't read another word. I just had to close and go.
He was talking about how we do things that interfere with what we really want to accomplish. Such things as blogging, internetting, proscrastinating, talking, making committees...anything and everything that could possibly distract our attention away from that which we know is our art. Our art being that which we are here to create and express from deep within us.
I know my art of connecting to the humanity within people has been calling me to write a book. I was frozen in my place because he said that blogging is a way of interfering. Does it do what I want it to do? Does it spread my art? I don't know. For the most part I may very well just be typing to myself. Words floating off into the nether regions of space. Void then of any significance. That's not the product I want to create. I want to create something that sits with people. I want to create a book that gets hauled about in backpacks, flipped through on coffee tables, lingered over in quiet conversations, discussed in a book club (well maybe not that). I want my art to affect a change within the reader. I want it to open hearts, open minds, move anger into compassion, shift complacency into action...
In order to do that I need to write it. And maybe my book that is destined to be earmarked, underlined, quoted and written as a must have for Christmas is not the first one I write. But I must write one in order to write two or three or four. Four being my magic number may be the book that is truly the one where it all comes together. I am starting today to dream bigger than my blog. Bigger than my mind... I want to take what's in my mind and grow it. A year from now I will have a copy of my first manuscript (is that even the right word??) I don't know. But I'm starting. I may not blog much as I'll be writing my book... or maybe I'll blog about writing my book as a way of complementing and processing. Again I don't know. But I can't wait until I know in order to begin.
Consider this a begining. A statement to the Universe that I am taking the next step and have set the wheels of creation in motion. One year from now I will have a book ready for Christmas giving. Put it on your list.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
yelling ...
Monday was a nutty day. I allowed myself to be twisted up in a mental struggle on whether or not to make a last minute choice to travel to Saskatchewan to my grandma's funeral. From moments of peace, to moments of sadness, tears, then peace again, then angst, then disappointment, then peace... I couldn't decide, then I could, then I couldn't...
After a long work day I thought a walk would help clear my mind. The fresh air would help me to really know for once and for all what I was to do. On my long chilly outing I had a couple of odd experiences with people yelling. My typical route often has loads of traffic but mostly quiet of people's voices, yet on this night I had a couple of close encounters with people who were yelling.
One guy unrolled his window and yelled at me because I was a pedestrian who wanted to use a cross walk. Yep, I was a bit surprised to see him unroll his window after I had bolted through the cross walk so as not to hold up traffic. But apparently stopping at all for this big truck was too much. He yelled very loudly at me "Can't you wait?!" I had to look around to see if he was yelling at me. Yep I was the only one there and he was yelling directly at me. I was shocked but not distubed...kinda weird.
If only he knew his words actually turned into an inspired basis of contemplation. "Ya, what's the rush?" "Why can't I slow down?" "Why all the pressure?" I envisioned him as an angel sent to me to tell me to wait. To take my time. To know that I could go slower and all would be ok. My mind was so cluttered with my convoluted thinking that I wasn't hearing my guides clearly. An angel intervention was needed and he came in the form of an annoyed driver. He definitely got my attention with his loud voice.
Then about 15 minutes later at the top of the hill I one of my fellow pedestrians was just walking and yelling. At first I thought she must be on the phone with someone but no, she was just yelling unkind nasty things. Needless to say I stayed on the other side of the street and picked up my pace so we wouldn't meet up at the lights. I think she was having a really rough day. Her mind was obviously in a state of unease. Strange happenstance or a divinely timed message. I choose the latter.
In my apartment building I was hypersensitive to sound and picked up yelling from somewhere on another floor or maybe from my neighbours. I hear it every once in a while and tend to ignore it because it's really unpleasant to hear but that night I was saddened by all the unhappiness in the yelling...the loudness, the harshness, the hurt for the one yelling as well as the one being yelled at. I just wanted to turn it off, make it go away. Just as I wanted to get rid of my desperate state of trying to make a decision.
Why all the yelling???? Why Monday????
Tonight sitting in my peaceful apartment enjoying sounds of Nora Jones, the joyful conversation of my daughter, laughter and phone calls from family I'm pondering the difference and have come to the conclusion that all the yelling was simply the external manifestation of what I was doing to myself. I was yelling at me inside puzzled in my self imposed dilema. My quiet world turned upside down and volumne on high while I wrestled with my decision....
And then I decided to stay home. I made a choice. The funeral day passed, the storm clouds moved on and the sun came out. Then there was silence. Then there was peace within my mind. Low and behond the external world responded in kind. I have been gifted with flowers, fruit, cards, balloons, laughter, funny stories and many many many happy memories of my grandma.
Gram told me on several accounts that "this too shall pass" when I was all twisted up about something. Her great wisdom came back to me so clearly on the day of her funeral when I was at my desk missing everyone who was there and missing her. Tears would come, and go, I'd pause, start over, breath... repeat. The saddness passed. The joy returned. That's what love does. That's what love is. Love never leaves it just changes form.
Thank you gram, thank you angel with the loud voice and big truck, thank you other yellers and thank you to all those who anchored me in the quiet, peaceful, loving, awesome life that I have the honour of living.
After a long work day I thought a walk would help clear my mind. The fresh air would help me to really know for once and for all what I was to do. On my long chilly outing I had a couple of odd experiences with people yelling. My typical route often has loads of traffic but mostly quiet of people's voices, yet on this night I had a couple of close encounters with people who were yelling.
One guy unrolled his window and yelled at me because I was a pedestrian who wanted to use a cross walk. Yep, I was a bit surprised to see him unroll his window after I had bolted through the cross walk so as not to hold up traffic. But apparently stopping at all for this big truck was too much. He yelled very loudly at me "Can't you wait?!" I had to look around to see if he was yelling at me. Yep I was the only one there and he was yelling directly at me. I was shocked but not distubed...kinda weird.
If only he knew his words actually turned into an inspired basis of contemplation. "Ya, what's the rush?" "Why can't I slow down?" "Why all the pressure?" I envisioned him as an angel sent to me to tell me to wait. To take my time. To know that I could go slower and all would be ok. My mind was so cluttered with my convoluted thinking that I wasn't hearing my guides clearly. An angel intervention was needed and he came in the form of an annoyed driver. He definitely got my attention with his loud voice.
Then about 15 minutes later at the top of the hill I one of my fellow pedestrians was just walking and yelling. At first I thought she must be on the phone with someone but no, she was just yelling unkind nasty things. Needless to say I stayed on the other side of the street and picked up my pace so we wouldn't meet up at the lights. I think she was having a really rough day. Her mind was obviously in a state of unease. Strange happenstance or a divinely timed message. I choose the latter.
In my apartment building I was hypersensitive to sound and picked up yelling from somewhere on another floor or maybe from my neighbours. I hear it every once in a while and tend to ignore it because it's really unpleasant to hear but that night I was saddened by all the unhappiness in the yelling...the loudness, the harshness, the hurt for the one yelling as well as the one being yelled at. I just wanted to turn it off, make it go away. Just as I wanted to get rid of my desperate state of trying to make a decision.
Why all the yelling???? Why Monday????
Tonight sitting in my peaceful apartment enjoying sounds of Nora Jones, the joyful conversation of my daughter, laughter and phone calls from family I'm pondering the difference and have come to the conclusion that all the yelling was simply the external manifestation of what I was doing to myself. I was yelling at me inside puzzled in my self imposed dilema. My quiet world turned upside down and volumne on high while I wrestled with my decision....
And then I decided to stay home. I made a choice. The funeral day passed, the storm clouds moved on and the sun came out. Then there was silence. Then there was peace within my mind. Low and behond the external world responded in kind. I have been gifted with flowers, fruit, cards, balloons, laughter, funny stories and many many many happy memories of my grandma.
Gram told me on several accounts that "this too shall pass" when I was all twisted up about something. Her great wisdom came back to me so clearly on the day of her funeral when I was at my desk missing everyone who was there and missing her. Tears would come, and go, I'd pause, start over, breath... repeat. The saddness passed. The joy returned. That's what love does. That's what love is. Love never leaves it just changes form.
Thank you gram, thank you angel with the loud voice and big truck, thank you other yellers and thank you to all those who anchored me in the quiet, peaceful, loving, awesome life that I have the honour of living.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
unraveling the fabric
i want to unravel the fabric tonight,
the fabric of an ordered life.
i want to ask for a miracle
the miracle is acceptance. acceptance of what is
rather than fighting what "should" be
my mind wrestling my heart into a quandry
knowing
better
craving arms that hold me close
and whisper that all is
ok
even when the threads
are coming undone
i don't want to hear words
hollow gasping pleading
for a pattern
it's time to let the pieces fall
moments of time
released into the
space
of holding on
when it's time
to
let go of you
trusting in the
fabric of the world
knowing there is order
in my soul
even when i can't feel it
this tension a
miracle
wrapping me in
love
i can say good bye
from here
that is the order
my mind was unraveling
itself or so i pretended
but
i know this is in
perfect order
in an ordered world
the fabric of an ordered life.
i want to ask for a miracle
the miracle is acceptance. acceptance of what is
rather than fighting what "should" be
my mind wrestling my heart into a quandry
knowing
better
craving arms that hold me close
and whisper that all is
ok
even when the threads
are coming undone
i don't want to hear words
hollow gasping pleading
for a pattern
it's time to let the pieces fall
moments of time
released into the
space
of holding on
when it's time
to
let go of you
trusting in the
fabric of the world
knowing there is order
in my soul
even when i can't feel it
this tension a
miracle
wrapping me in
love
i can say good bye
from here
that is the order
my mind was unraveling
itself or so i pretended
but
i know this is in
perfect order
in an ordered world
Friday, November 5, 2010
I'm in love...madly, wonderfully in love
yes, it's official, I'm in love... that crazy kind of love when everytime you're in the presence of your beloved it's like a happy parade going off in your mind...when you're apart the excitement of being together is pure joy... yes, it's love alright and I'm looking out at my beloved now... my multicoloured, illuminated, magical, gorgeous and divine christmas lights that I have wrapped around and around and around my deck railing. My life is aglow inside and out.
I've loved Christmas lights, I've had a light fetish you could say, for years...but never like this. Mingled in with the backdrop of th lights of the city buildings and streetlights my outside world is truly amazing. I can hardly wait for the sun to set so the lights can transform into their brilliant colours and sparle into my mind and heart. Each time I look out into the night it's like I'm seeing them for the first time and smile at how beautiful they are. I leave them on all night so I see their glittering glow first thing when I wake early in the morning.
My daughter laughs at me because sometimes I am literally catching my breath at how magical they look. I have a gasp... that excitement sound of "oh I'm so happy you're here". Reminds me of the child playing with the jack-in-the-box who is surprised each time the puppet jumps up, endlessly amused and tickled pink at the joy of the surprise. That's me with the lights. Endlessly surprised at how much happiness I feel when I gaze into their sparkling twisted and tumbled display.
Love is simple. Love is light. Love
is
the
movement
of the
lights
from
with out
to
with in
When I'm in the love of the lights I don't feel any angst or frustration. Anything that may have been bothering is gone, trivial triffles dispelled in the depth of the feeling of love. I am reminded by their simple, quiet nature how I want to live...how I want to love... deeply happily colourfully brightly... always delighted, truly delighted when my beloved is with me.
Many many months ago when I first started my plans for my move I started to write that my adventure would be a love story. Not a love relationship but a love story. This is the chapter I am in...the chapter on lights, the chapter when certain heavy stressors in my life are lifting and I am moving into a lighter place of balance and harmony. The lights are a gift. They remind me of how beautifully and simply my love story is unfolding. A love of life, a love of self, a love of the small details, a love of grand designs, a love of missing people and a love of learning what to let go of and what to hold onto. A love of listening to the gentle voice that reminds me over and over again that it's all good. Every word of every chapter is good.
I've loved Christmas lights, I've had a light fetish you could say, for years...but never like this. Mingled in with the backdrop of th lights of the city buildings and streetlights my outside world is truly amazing. I can hardly wait for the sun to set so the lights can transform into their brilliant colours and sparle into my mind and heart. Each time I look out into the night it's like I'm seeing them for the first time and smile at how beautiful they are. I leave them on all night so I see their glittering glow first thing when I wake early in the morning.
My daughter laughs at me because sometimes I am literally catching my breath at how magical they look. I have a gasp... that excitement sound of "oh I'm so happy you're here". Reminds me of the child playing with the jack-in-the-box who is surprised each time the puppet jumps up, endlessly amused and tickled pink at the joy of the surprise. That's me with the lights. Endlessly surprised at how much happiness I feel when I gaze into their sparkling twisted and tumbled display.
Love is simple. Love is light. Love
is
the
movement
of the
lights
from
with out
to
with in
When I'm in the love of the lights I don't feel any angst or frustration. Anything that may have been bothering is gone, trivial triffles dispelled in the depth of the feeling of love. I am reminded by their simple, quiet nature how I want to live...how I want to love... deeply happily colourfully brightly... always delighted, truly delighted when my beloved is with me.
Many many months ago when I first started my plans for my move I started to write that my adventure would be a love story. Not a love relationship but a love story. This is the chapter I am in...the chapter on lights, the chapter when certain heavy stressors in my life are lifting and I am moving into a lighter place of balance and harmony. The lights are a gift. They remind me of how beautifully and simply my love story is unfolding. A love of life, a love of self, a love of the small details, a love of grand designs, a love of missing people and a love of learning what to let go of and what to hold onto. A love of listening to the gentle voice that reminds me over and over again that it's all good. Every word of every chapter is good.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
moon and sun
moon reflects
sun illumines
light from another
light from within
cold dusty rock
hot boiling explosions
sun flowers
sun beams
sun shines
yes!
sun illumines
light from another
light from within
cold dusty rock
hot boiling explosions
sun flowers
sun beams
sun shines
yes!
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