yelling ...

Monday was a nutty day.  I allowed myself to be twisted up in a mental struggle on whether or not to make a last minute choice to travel to Saskatchewan to my grandma's funeral.  From moments of peace, to moments of sadness, tears, then peace again, then angst, then disappointment, then peace... I couldn't decide, then I could, then I couldn't...

After a long work day I thought a walk would help clear my mind.  The fresh air would help me to really know for once and for all what I was to do.  On my long chilly outing I had a couple of odd experiences with people yelling.  My typical route often has loads of traffic but mostly quiet of people's voices, yet on this night I had a couple of  close encounters with people who were yelling. 

One guy unrolled his window and yelled at me because I was a pedestrian who wanted to use a cross walk.  Yep, I was a bit surprised to see him unroll his window after I had bolted through the cross walk so as not to hold up traffic.  But apparently stopping at all for this big truck was too much.  He yelled very loudly at me "Can't you wait?!"  I had to look around to see if he was yelling at me.  Yep I was the only one there and he was yelling directly at me.  I was shocked but not distubed...kinda weird.

If only he knew his words actually turned into an inspired basis of contemplation.  "Ya, what's the rush?"  "Why can't I slow down?"  "Why all the pressure?"  I envisioned him as an angel sent to me to tell me to wait.  To take my time.  To know that I could go slower and all would be ok.  My mind was so cluttered with my convoluted thinking that I wasn't hearing my guides clearly.  An angel intervention was needed and he came in the form of an annoyed driver.  He definitely got my attention with his loud voice. 

Then about 15 minutes later at the top of the hill I one of my fellow pedestrians was just walking and yelling.  At first I thought she must be on the phone with someone but no, she was just yelling unkind nasty things.  Needless to say I stayed on the other side of the street and picked up my pace so we wouldn't meet up at the lights.  I think she was having a really rough day.  Her mind was obviously in a state of unease.  Strange happenstance or a divinely timed message.  I choose the latter.

In my apartment building I was hypersensitive to sound and picked up yelling from somewhere on another floor or maybe from my neighbours.  I hear it every once in a while and tend to ignore it because it's really unpleasant to hear but that night I was saddened by all the unhappiness in the yelling...the loudness, the harshness, the hurt for the one yelling as well as the one being yelled at.  I just wanted to turn it off, make it go away.  Just as I wanted to get rid of my desperate state of trying to make a decision.

Why all the yelling????  Why Monday???? 
Tonight sitting in my peaceful apartment enjoying sounds of Nora Jones, the joyful conversation of my daughter, laughter and phone calls from family I'm pondering the difference and have come to the conclusion that all the yelling was simply the external manifestation of what I was doing to myself.  I was yelling at me inside puzzled in my self imposed dilema. My quiet world turned upside down and volumne on high while I wrestled with my decision....

And then I decided to stay home.  I made a choice. The funeral day passed, the storm clouds moved on and the sun came out.  Then there was silence.  Then there was peace within my mind.  Low and behond the external world responded in kind.  I have been gifted with flowers, fruit, cards, balloons, laughter, funny stories and many many many happy memories of my grandma. 

Gram told me on several accounts that "this too shall pass" when I was all twisted up about something.  Her great wisdom came back to me so clearly on the day of her funeral when I was at my desk missing everyone who was there and missing her.   Tears would come, and go, I'd pause, start over, breath... repeat.  The saddness passed.  The joy returned.  That's what love does.    That's what love is.  Love never leaves it just changes form.

Thank you gram, thank you angel with the loud voice and big truck, thank you other yellers and thank you to all those who anchored me in the quiet, peaceful, loving, awesome life that I have the honour of living.