what if...a look into the eyes of denialism


What if I truly am enough, just like this?  Not five pounds lighter, not more wealthy, not more inclusive, more engaged, more enlightened, more learned, more simple, more complicated, more connected, more more more...

This afternoon I was daydreaming out loud with my daughter what I'd do if I had a million dollar windfall...I'd buy a three bedroom condo and we'd move out of our little one bedroom place into a spacious home with individual places for her, me and my son.  Why she asked...let's just stay where we are.  What we have is enough.  Let's just put the money in the bank....travel...give...invest.  This from my girl who dreams of mansions, limousines and designer wardrobes!

We were talking while driving out to her dad's in the suburbs...a place that I struggle with as I feel like a total outsider.  My kid's other home is, in my view, a "Martha Stewart" world.  It's lovely.  I try not to judge it but have lingering feelings that place it higher on the shelf than my world.  If I have less am I less...
In my sanest moments I know this not to be true...but yet it lingers bringing up deep beliefs from the netherworld within.

Then tonight pondering thoughts from the most recent book I started reading called "Denialism.  How Irrational Thinking Harms the Planet and Threatens our Lives" by Michael Specter I sit back from the thoughts of denialism on the environment, nutrition and pharmaceuticals to look straight in the eye of what I have been denying... this is good enough...I am good enough just the way I am.  My irrational thinking that takes me into the realms of needing more space and more stuff harms me and threatens the very life that I want to create.  I am my own biggest denier (is that a word?).

One of the hallmark signs of being a true denier is that you overlook the data.  You miss what is presented right in front of you to stay entrenched in your own mindset however wrong and twisted it might be.  Right in front of me was my beloved daughter saying our world was good just that way it is.  Neither her nor my son have ever asked for it to be more... nor for me to be someone who I am not.  Well Jamie would like me to be less embarrassing at times ... but that's par for the course of a 14 yr old.

Hearing my daughter speak so clearly and confidently that what we have here is awesome shook something inside me.  It's still shaking and settling into a new belief.  What if I just let go of trying to be what I'm not...I'm not suburbia, I'm not Martha Stewart...I'm me...who ever that is... and she's a growing, dynamic, caring and loving person.  I don't get it right all the time...to think that I do would be to deny the truth of being human.  I hold myself up to that unrealistic platform all too often....how about I don't.  What if I step into the new year with eyes focused on a greater truth.  How about I have a million dollars in the bank and cozy up with the two most amazing kids on the planet in our happy little home playing Yahtzee while we dream up a family road trip.... to a far away land or off to Saskatoon. 

I'm not stopping my journey of learning, of developing my mind and resources but I feel a shift for it to come from a different place... yes... something is shifting.  I am grateful to have looked into the eyes  of denialism and have it look back out at me... my mirror to higher thoughts.

Check out this book if you are ready to look at your thinking in a new way....

accumulation...

      Power...full



I've been slacking off lately with my daily push up routine.  I don't do push ups on my head like this guy but I thought the picture was too cool not to use.  I do push ups the way Neil taught me.  I was in the routine of doing ten well formed, strength focused push ups in the morning and at night.  If I did no other exercise all day at least I knew that I'd be doing this.  It didn't feel like much but I was something in the name of fitness and discipline. 
A year ago Neil taught me a better way to do the push up.  I had been doing a lot of push ups for several years but didn't have the correct form... I dropped from 50 per set to 10.  I learned that it was better to do ten clean than 50 dirty (so to speak).   I continued to discipline myself morning and night until this last while when I just stopped.  Life got busy, I got tired, I felt frustrated, I just wanted to sleep.  Excuses, excuses, excuses.  Yet even knowing that I was creating excuses rather than results still wasn't enough to get me back on the floor.
Today when I was out walking I was pondering this situation in my life and a light bulb went off... it's not just ten push ups that I'm missing out on, but it's an accumulation of ten.  Ten per set, two sets per day, seven days per week, fifty two weeks per year....that's a possible 7280 push ups per year that I'm missing if I stay on this track.  It's not just one, it's the accumlation of one that makes the difference. 
When I got home I did my ten.  Tonight I'll do another ten.  Tomorrow I'll do another two sets... and so on and so on.  I need and want that discipline so I accumulate strength rather than deteriorate into excuses.

I'm working with a financial coach to help me do the same thing with my money.  A  year from now I want to look back on a year of wealth accumlation instead of a year of "where did it all go?!".   Connections ... physical push ups, financial bank accounts, results or excuses...my choice.  My Christmas gift to myself is an awakening to getting on track so I build powerful outcomes.  Maybe a year from now I will be able to do a push up standing on my head like Mr. Muscle...super cool!!

Happy Christmas wishes to everyone!!  May you have a year of awesome results rather than excuses!!

the darkest day... in celebration of the winter solstice

Winter Solstice

with

in

the

darkness

I

feel

light

Today has been a day of feeling the depth of dark beliefs...beliefs of being unable to provide, being unable to rise beyond my past, being unworthy of abundance.  I spent the morning in tears that welled up from within the darkness that cloaked me in a veil of sadness.  Unexpected circumstances moving me into the winds of self doubt. 

Yet I am not my past, I am not my doubt or my darkness... they are a part of me but they are not all of me...just as the sunrise brings way to a new day...always... just as winter gives birth to spring... always...

I chose to reach for the wisdom of a friend who knows my heart and knows a higher truth.  I allowed her words and thoughts to reach into me and help me see the light.  This is the power of love, the deepest power that transforms, heals and awakens from within finding purpose in the journey of darkness. 

fears

frozen

to

de

         frost

in

love's 

heat

for 

Self

in

You

in

Us

in

Me

always

                      in all

                                      ways

                                                                         



TRON..a portal into utopian thoughts


The quest for perfection leads to chaos... the truth of the ultimate grid is that it's all right here... perfect is here...it's now....it's right in front of you...it's right in front of me...

Apparent perfection is the illusion that keeps me out of sync with this amazing experience that I am here to live.  I have been quietly comparing my life to others who are more loving, more wise, more wealthy, more accomplished.  Each time I fall into that quest I loose a part of who I am... I can feel the slide... subltly showing through in the little comments, the little thoughts, the little strings to the past that are holding me from truly being here in this moment...thoughts that keep me small and alone. 

Thanks Gerald for reminding me to write as my connection of expression, contemplation, expansion... to not get lost in my thoughts but use them as tools, as mirrors and channels.   My first choice when life goes sideways is to go deeper and deeper into my self... when I need others the most is when I start to draw back and cut myself off.  When I do this I fall off the grid and loose the value and the magic of what is perfectly perfect right now. 

These are my thoughts of this day.  Drawn from the big screen story into my own life then onto this little laptop screen.

I'm off to sleep and dream about utopia... what does utopia mean????... I ask that the thoughts flow to me and through me as I linger in the energy of Tron.  And while I'm dreaming let me have one of those awesome Tron suits...YES!