What if I truly am enough, just like this? Not five pounds lighter, not more wealthy, not more inclusive, more engaged, more enlightened, more learned, more simple, more complicated, more connected, more more more...
This afternoon I was daydreaming out loud with my daughter what I'd do if I had a million dollar windfall...I'd buy a three bedroom condo and we'd move out of our little one bedroom place into a spacious home with individual places for her, me and my son. Why she asked...let's just stay where we are. What we have is enough. Let's just put the money in the bank....travel...give...invest. This from my girl who dreams of mansions, limousines and designer wardrobes!
We were talking while driving out to her dad's in the suburbs...a place that I struggle with as I feel like a total outsider. My kid's other home is, in my view, a "Martha Stewart" world. It's lovely. I try not to judge it but have lingering feelings that place it higher on the shelf than my world. If I have less am I less...
In my sanest moments I know this not to be true...but yet it lingers bringing up deep beliefs from the netherworld within.
Then tonight pondering thoughts from the most recent book I started reading called "Denialism. How Irrational Thinking Harms the Planet and Threatens our Lives" by Michael Specter I sit back from the thoughts of denialism on the environment, nutrition and pharmaceuticals to look straight in the eye of what I have been denying... this is good enough...I am good enough just the way I am. My irrational thinking that takes me into the realms of needing more space and more stuff harms me and threatens the very life that I want to create. I am my own biggest denier (is that a word?).
One of the hallmark signs of being a true denier is that you overlook the data. You miss what is presented right in front of you to stay entrenched in your own mindset however wrong and twisted it might be. Right in front of me was my beloved daughter saying our world was good just that way it is. Neither her nor my son have ever asked for it to be more... nor for me to be someone who I am not. Well Jamie would like me to be less embarrassing at times ... but that's par for the course of a 14 yr old.
Hearing my daughter speak so clearly and confidently that what we have here is awesome shook something inside me. It's still shaking and settling into a new belief. What if I just let go of trying to be what I'm not...I'm not suburbia, I'm not Martha Stewart...I'm me...who ever that is... and she's a growing, dynamic, caring and loving person. I don't get it right all the time...to think that I do would be to deny the truth of being human. I hold myself up to that unrealistic platform all too often....how about I don't. What if I step into the new year with eyes focused on a greater truth. How about I have a million dollars in the bank and cozy up with the two most amazing kids on the planet in our happy little home playing Yahtzee while we dream up a family road trip.... to a far away land or off to Saskatoon.
I'm not stopping my journey of learning, of developing my mind and resources but I feel a shift for it to come from a different place... yes... something is shifting. I am grateful to have looked into the eyes of denialism and have it look back out at me... my mirror to higher thoughts.
Check out this book if you are ready to look at your thinking in a new way....
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