feeling into backward...lessons from the rink part 2


Today was the day.  I had the rink to myself.  The ice was hard and smooth from days of minus 20 temperatures.  Sun shining bright...perfect. 

Each time I go to the rink I watch in awe those who can swirl and glide backwards.  I'm pretty good at all things forward but backwards...I knew I just couldn't get it... so I didn't try.  I would secretly watch hockey skaters in particular who can switch forward to backward on a dime... wow!!  If only I could do that too.  But I can't, I'm so sure I can't.  I've never been to hockey camp, never had a skating teacher.  It's way too difficult.

My excuse has been that I couldn't envision what backwards looked like.  In my mind I can't see how to cross over my skates, I don't know the timing, I can't see it.  Just like juggling, I can't see where the balls need to go and when so I don't juggle.  But I'm ok not knowing how to juggle.  I'm not ok only skating forward.  It's like I'm missing half the experience. 

With the rink to myself, a free Saturday afternoon and daytime energy fueling my body I was keen to give backwards a go.  I thought about it and thought about it ... stalling.  Keep going in the direction you know how to go.  Forwards is fine...it's safe.  Then it happened.  I stopped thinking.  I heard the words in my head that said very clearly, "don't think, feel".  Feel what it feels like to skate backwards.  So I did.

Slowly, with ungracious, wobbly steps I started the flow of backwards.  At first I didn't lift my blades much off the ice.  I felt like Bambi all gangly and unknowing of what to do on the ice.  Determined to make the most of all this space and time I practiced and practiced.  When I just moved with the feeling of what it's like to go backwards I was ok yet when I started to think about it I'd start to try harder which ended up in an awkward stumble or crash.  I'd lean too sharp, look down too often, move right when I should have moved left....my brain getting in the way.

The hardest hit came with a knee jarring fall at centre ice when a group of people were passing through the rink.  My judging mind overpowered the joy of just being on the ice with a self-conscious fear of looking foolish.  Ouch!  I could have stopped there limping off the ice...but that's not me.  Up and at'em...shake it off.  They left, I kept skating.

As I practiced the flow of feeling what it's like to go backwards I found that I didn't want to skate forwards...I wanted more of what was new, exciting and expanding.  I had moved into a fuller experience of skating, enjoying a small personal victory of going from what I thought I couldn't do to what I could.  Even my fear of what on lookers might say melting away. 

I've got lots of practicing yet to do but I started...that's the big celebration in my world.   My decision today to not hold back helped me to cross my own inner barrier of what is possible.  Releasing my habit of over thinking was holding me back from having a richer experience. 

Where else am I doing that in my life?  I know a few places; one in particular that has been consuming my mind. I will allow my experience on the ice to teach me what I need to do to move that situation from my head into my heart.  Feel it, not think it.  If I want a fuller experience then it's up to me to do something different.  Stop watching from the sidelines and take an action.  Baby steps are ok... being frozen in fear is not.

How about you.?  Are you stuck in a web of thought.  If you were to feel your way instead of thinking your way who knows what might happen...you might just be able to do what you told yourself you couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't do.

I am eager to get back out to the rink and feel the movement of skating backwards again... and again and again...  Sometimes we simply have to move backwards in order to go forwards. 

edges of the rink

 

What I noticed at the rink last night is that the edges of the rink are the best.  The ice near the edges is smooth as glass, void of almost any skate marks.  That is because few people venture to the edges. The majority of skaters prefer to stay in the grooves of the inner circle.  The track that most people follow is

the thick icy ruts created by those who lap the ice around and around and around and around... 

The ice in the ruts gets cut up, pit holed and choppy. It's easier to fall under conditions like that. I hit the ice hard the other night while crossing over the ruts practicing cross overs en route to the gleaming surface of the corner.  Lesson: get up, shake it off, and try again.  I can't stop just because I fall.  I circle the rink in figure eights and loops of various sizes always with the view to reach the edges for those epic turns that makes me feel like a professional skater.   The turns and swirls that transcend me from the everyday and remind me of how fun skating is. How fun life is.

I think people are afraid of the edges.  What if they fall off the ice?  What if they can't stop?  What if it's off limits?  What will happen if they go where others don't?  What good God would happen if they leave the rut to enjoy the bliss of the corners gleaming under the night sky?  Surely there must be a good reason why no on else goes there...who am I they ask to make tracks on a clean surface?  What if I stand out from the crowd?  What if....

Well let me ask you this?  Who are you not to?  Who are you not to tread where others don't?  Who are you to stay stuck in the ruts, get caught in the race and leave yourself in the grooves created by generations of others who make the holes that are most likely to trip you? 

The edges are beautiful.  They call you to practice turning so you don't crash.  They call you to be extra mindful of space, timing and distance.  They invite you to see your own path marked clearly.  They dare you to experience moments of delight that others miss.  They ask you to listen to the sound of ice cut under your blade, not the scraping of rough and worn surfaces.  They remind you that there is more to life than the circle of contentment.  They teach you to get up if you fall down, especially if it hurts hard.  Next time have your eyes open wider and your focus sharper. 

The rink is life.  The ruts create order for the masses.  Use them if you must but don't get stuck in them.  Cross over to the corners.  They are the diamonds that glisten in the night sky that make the skate worth while.  Fall into the snow if you can't stop, hit the boards....then bounce back knowing that you are stronger than you thought.  Live life for the edges so you can enjoy the fullness of the skate.

The season is drawing to a close... Spring is just around the corner so if you  haven't laced up and hit the outdoor rink yet I invite you to do what you have to to make that happen. Even if it's just once...accept the tease of the corner so you can say you've been there.  Guaranteed glee...now that's AWESOME!!!!

p.s.  my skating visual is refusing to move to the centre...this is too funny... so I'm going to stop the struggle of forcing it to do what I want and let it be on the edge...obviously that's where it wants to be :-)

an awesome day!

Top to bottom, inside out and backwards it's an awesome day! 

This morning for my birthday my awesome and amazing kids gave me a book called "The Book of Awesome" by Neil Pasricha. It's a treasure of fun and happy bits of life that are, as the title says, awesome!!
For example, page 174 "Your favorite old, comfy T-shirt"; page 104 "That friendly nod between strangers out doing the same thing; page 374 "The last day of school"; page 44 "Hitting a bunch of green lights in a row". 

In my own story over the past couple of days Awesome looked like having my lost wallet returned with everything in it...money included; receiving a misplaced courier package; going to a cheerleader competition surrounded by high adrenaline excitement; holding my little niece's hand and feeling her squeeze my finger as she drifted off to sleep. 
Simple moments of wonder.  They could mean nothing, or they could mean something.  It's my choice and what I choose creates the life that I want.  I need to make a decision, over and over and over again.  Those are the actions of my life unfolding with purpose.  If I set my purpose to having an awesome experience then whatever happens I know the process and the experience will be for my good.  My paradigm of awesome is an internal action that elevates everything in my world.

By feeling an abundance of awesome I find that I can weather the "not so awesome" with quicker turn around time.  There's been a few situations this week that could easily have spriraled into darkness.  Yet, even in the deepest parts of what seemed terribly askew I had an even deeper knowing that this too was awesome. For through the rough stuff love was unfolding in new and wonderful ways.  

To the common phrase "how's it going?" I double dog dare you to reply back to the questioner, "I'm having an awesome day!"  and mean it.  Say it with a smile so it comes from your heart.  Challenge the status quo that robotically says' "not so bad"...or "ok I guess".  Don't guess at your life.  Make it what you want.  Make it awesome through your thoughts, your words and your actions. One small step, one small detail, one small connection at a time allow the awesomeness to unfold.    

My choice is awesome!  I am blessed beyond words in this feeling.  Thank you to all of the wonderful, amazing and happy people who are gracing my day, my birthday with delicious awesomeness.

For more information on the official Book of Awesome check out http://www.1000awesomethings.com/
 or watch Neil Pasricha on http://www.ted.com/ . 

Extremes or Middleground?

I never thought that I'd be saying this but I'm craving life in the middle.  The middle of what?  The middle of extremes. 
I've long had an affinity for going too far one way or the other.  My family will all raise their hands to attest to that.  Not skydiving off mountains or driving at Indy but extremes of thought, involvement, feelings, actions in day to day life. 
I don't just sit on a committee but act as Chairman.;  I don't just start a new job I'm also on the President's Advisor Council;  I don't just watch what I eat but I do the Master Cleanse or the Warrior diet.  I seldom just dip my toes in the water but dive right into the deep end, regardless of the fact that I can't swim all that well. 
This is pretty cool for the fun things in life but that's the thing with extremes they go both ways.
I've been an extremist in not keeping track of financial details which sucks when looking at the bottom line; I go to extremes of disconnecting from people, including those I love; I don't just give away things I don't want but also things I need leaving myself without; I've hurt relationships by being extremely stubborn and defensive...extreme thinking damaging myself and others.

Thus the craving for the middle.  A place where i am not playing catch up physically, emotionally or spiritually.  Living at extremes can be powerfully wonderful as well as incredibly draining.  The roller coaster that never stops for a break unless it crashes.  I talked about crashes in the last blog and their underlying symbolism for that part of us that simply wants to connect...to feel.

I want to feel without knowing that it's an either/or world.  I want to feel that the middle is safe, happy and valuable. Is it the only place I'll live?  Not a chance... but it can be home base from which I can enjoy my past and create a future that I truly desire. 

Life happens in the middle yet this is where I've fought not to be.  Ahhhh...there's the point.  I'm either running into the future or running from the past, still not settled in the only moment I will ever have - this moment.  I've heard it taught many many times but to truly live it will be the grace of moving more peacefully through the world by looking after the details while I'm gazing at the stars.  I can do both which lands me in the middle... not later but now. 

It's all good.

crashing into sidewalks

Have you ever noticed that most people only shovel the snow right in front of their house?  I'm just in from a walk and found it particularly interesting that so many neighbours shovel only their property...and not an inch more.  I bet they have an exact eye for where their property line officially ends and their neighbour's begins. 

Few and far between are the neighbourhoods that extend the extra effort and shovel just one property more.  Divisions and separations clear and tangible. 

The movie Crash is a poignant, powerful film that tells the story of lives ripped apart through divisions of race.  The stark depiction of a reality of harsh boundaries between people.  The line between me and you is solid, heavy and cruel.  Fear erases the possibility of "us" without mercy and with deep sadness.  Shoveling snow may seem like a stretch to the racial divisions of Los Angeles but big problems start with small problems that never get fixed.

Simple, small steps can bridge the divisions in my neighbourhood, in my city, in my country, in my world.  Be it a unified thought or action.  Without efforts to come together, to expand the borders of "me" there is a trajectory for people to be as the narrator at the beginning of Crash states "... we crash into each other so we can feel something".  Divisions bury the feelings we most desire...love, happiness, joy...

Shovel your neighbours walk...literally or metaphorically.  Your mind, heart and body will be stronger as a result...so too will be your neighbours.  Connect rather than crash.

life through a straw

I drink my tea with a straw...it's the South American mate tea that is most delicious first thing in the morning...best to drink it in a authentic gourd with a mate straw.  Which brings me to my lightbulb moment... my warm tea this cold cold morning was much desired...yet it just wasn't flowing through the straw.  Try as I might I would only get little bits of liquid through it.  Somewhere in it's simple system it is plugged with tea leaves.  This happens.  But I forget to clean it thoroughly everyday.  I give it a once over... making sure the outside is clean and shiny.  After several frustrating attempts at sipping and having no success with a good helping of tea I stopped.  Enough of that straw!
Then I reached into the drawer and pulled out my back up straw.  The one I had forgotten about but found the other day when I was looking for something else.  I put it in the gourd and Voila!! tea.... oodles and zoodle of smooth flowing delicous and nutrious  tea.
Why fight with a plugged straw?!  It's frustrating and senseless.  Life gets plugged sometimes...oftentimes.  Plugged with the build up of people, thoughts, events, stuff, activities, the past, the future, what was done, what we wish hadn't been done.  Just plugged!  If I don't clean out the straw of my life regularly...not just a shiny polish but a real clearing I too will plug the flow of my life.
I don't want that to happen because then I'll miss the delicious flavours of the moment which collectively are my life.  Sometimes a good clearing may mean switching out straws entirely...so be it.  I want life to be smooth flowing and unplugged.
It's not complicated.  Just be clear...be clean not just shiny.  Make sure your insides are uncluttered so life can flow with greater ease.  Write it out, speak it out, pray it out....however you clean just make sure you do it regularly, thoroughly and deeply.  Don't wait for a blockage as it may come in your heart, your mind, your job, your money, your relationship. 
Today I ask myself to be clear of built up emotions so I can be free and clear to be fully present.  Present with myself so I can be present with others.  Unhurried, uncluttered and understanding. 

heart beat



who speaks to your heart?...to whom do you share yours?

i'm pondering tonight the vibrations that move through my heart .... some people, some news, some words, some thoughts that instantly open me to more love, more tears, more smiles, more wondering...it's not everyone or everything ... not always but often... from out of the blue but not really because i know that nothing is coincidence...it's all perfect.... complicated (maybe) but still simple ...

what is it that connects me in those moments.  today.... when i heard the story of a soldier paralyzed by war my heart felt crushed; when i look into the eyes of a friend and i share a revelation of my soul; when i smile at a stranger to let them know they are not alone...or to remind myself; when i read words in a poem that stir my mind to a depth that i feel at one with the vastness of the universe at the same time as being inside the drop of water on the petal of an awakened leaf

alive.  these moments tell me i am alive.  this is why my heart beats...