Lesson from a Vampire - a state of being



First and foremost I am a student.Unequivocally without a doubt an avid learner .  The more I am willing to learn the more lessons appear.  Thus I find lessons everywhere,  Even in the most unlikely places I find gems of wisdom offering me life instructions I need and want to to hear. 

Recently when searching for a book to simply entertain me I was deliciously drawn to "Bite Me. A Love Story" by Christopher Moore.  He's one of my favourite authors of the wild, profane and ridiculous. In summary brilliant. Here was a book that looked like pure mind candy...light and gregariously funny.

However, within the pages of this vampire tale I have been given a lesson. Earmarked and revisited is page158: "But to become mist (the state of transcendent freedom of movement through the dematerializing of physical form), you simply had to BE.  Words got in the way.  They separated you from the condition."

I think of how often I become lost in words.  My mind always writing, trying to capture the moment, the lessons, the experience in words,  I've blogged in my mind a thousand articles since I last sat at my computer.   I see pages of my books forming in my mind, I mentally scratch out poems when I stop to linger in the moment of a  rose sweetly quietly opening in explicit beauty asking nothing but giving everything, or while gazing at a leaf gently yet powerfully holding diamond like droplets of water on it's green  body...glistening expressions of divine abundance as I pass by.  How quickly I digress to wrapping myself in the thought of the thing rather than just being with it.

Words... words... words.  I love them dearly.  Yet I've been experiencing a shift to simply being, not wanting to scribe, record or scribble the moments into form.  As the vampire Tommy says "words get in the way."  He was a writer, always thinking, always needing to move the moment from what was happening to etchings on paper.  I see him as my kindred spirit, a teacher. 

In this next phase of awakening I am learning the lesson to "just be" so I may know a greater depth of freedom, a release of having to put it all into words.  A liberation of doing what I've always done to experience my world in a new way, detaching from habits.  I can have experiences just to have experiences.  As such I feel I am keeping my mind uncluttered from the past and the future so I can live more fully now. 

Who knew a vampire love story would be my teacher of living a more enlightened moment?  With gratitude flowing through me on this sunny morning, where the energy of light streams into my skin moving deep into my cells that course through my blood that beat my heart which gives me life i let go... of words... and just be.

What lesson do you need to know right now?  When you are ready for the answer trust me, it will come to you.  Actually its already there waiting for you...

For an awesome read, but not for the feint of heart, check out Christopher Moore's many awesome books.



"Even after

all this time

the sun never

says to the

Earth,

You owe me.

Look what

happens with a

love like that

It lights the whole sky

Hafiz



Relationships are loaded with expectations.  This morning after another daily ritual of teenage drama I was overloaded with the heaviness of negative energy.  I expected my daughter to be appreciative, caring, thoughtful and kind instead of complaining, short-sighted and demanding.  All of these expectations were an unwelcome heaviness in my heart and mind.   

With each step on my walk to work I could feel the anger building inside me.  How dare she not meet my expectations of being "good"?  How dare she ruin my day like this?  This isn't what I expected as a parent!  An internal tantrum was ripping into all my fallen visions. 

Then between 110th and 109th street the words of the poet Hafiz filled my mind.  Like my GPS that helps me navigate between point A and point B, the words of this ancient Persian poet helped me find my way to peace. 

The way to find a different way of moving through this moment, this day and ultimately this relationship, was to release the ego's need to receive payment.  She's 15.  She's a teenager.  She's a girl. She was being normal.  So was I being normal to react with anger.  But I don't want to be normal.  It doesn't feel good... at all!   This is why the poem above came into view so clearly.  It was like a 12 foot billboard that said "Love like this"... love without expectation, without demand. 

Ahhhhh.... breath again... yes... this is better... the heaviness is lifting... look up at the sun... it's asking nothing of you yet it still warms your face.  Love like this...

I'm not saying it's ok to accept intentional hurtful behaviour.  However, this situation wasn't that.  What I am experiencing as a parent is not intentional, it's hormones, growing up, rebellion, unknowing.  As much as I demanded of her to "get some perspective!!"  I too needed to hold her in the light of proper perspective. 

How many times do we get twisted up inside ourselves because we miscommunicate, misunderstand or stand with closed eyes to the greater perspective of another?  Precious life is wasted much too often when we do this.... over and over and over again.  A life lived in darkness rather than light.  It's our choice to make.

I calmed myself immediately as the wisdom of Hafiz replaced the stubbornness of my ego.  I connected with my daughter peacefully.  A different day unfolded... beautifully... in light... with love. 

Solstice Light

Solstice Light

fill me

sister sun

to the 

precipice

of 

overflowing 

with your

solstice

light

i

invite

your

    r a d i a n c e

       

into

my cells,

my heart,

my mind

 in exchange  

when the

darkest

night

consumes       me

i will

un earth

this

treasure

to

ease the

shadows

remembering

this

day

when I wake

and

sleep

in

sun  shine

living

Budha's

last

instruction

"Make of yourself a light"

saying goodbye


Saying goodbye...

I breath deep into these words, into this thought....wondering of the finality of its meaning.  What is beyond the space between where you were and where you have gone...and where I am, standing here alone with my hands open waiting for an answer.

Then I walk past the tree...the tree that seems out of place between buildings and sidewalks.  An oddity in the cement world...but on this day its presence is as deep as David, speaking to me through the blossoms that fill it's every limb, ripe to overflowing with delicate pink silken flowers.  Bursting with life, with potential, with beauty.  It was not just a tree, but my teacher.

It is not enough for my eyes to take in it's form, for it is there before me, real and tangible.  I can touch it, feel it's being.  What moves my soul is the scent, the glorious perfumed air that I do not notice when I am touching the softness of the petals, but that forms a wall of fragrance so sweet and rich several paces from the base.  Scent that doesn't pour into my cells until I am fully past the moment of connection. 

This is the gift, the answer to my question.... reminding me that it is not just the moment of our meeting that holds you in my heart.  The gift of your presence transforms even when your form is gone.  Goodbye then is merely a shift, a moment acknowledged when I no longer can no longer see you...or touch you...

Beyond those words is the knowing that I can feel you at any moment, the moment when I allow life to blossom.  The scent of life stirring my heart to love not just the what was, and who you were, but what life is and who I am still here to be.

Commitment... a journey to infinite space

This past week during a conversation with a friend sparked a thought ... a thought that is lingering and unfolding into many more thoughts on the epic word "commitment".  Yes, commitment, the word that would usually have me running in the other direction for fear of being caught in the chains of restriction and obligation.  Commitment I have long believed means the end of freedom...or does it...

My friend Rhonda is the most awesome club person you'll ever meet.  She created, yes, created from out of a thought in her head, the Calgary Outdoors Club, which grew to connect 1000's of people.  Among other amazing club creations she recently started the Culture Club in Edmonton.  It's a fabulous way to connect with other people who share interests and want to go on an outing with a group.  It's not a dating club, just a social club, no pressures associated, simply fun in numbers greater than one.

I love what she has created, I love the idea of it and the fact that it's in full swing with a website, on line registration, event postings etc.  It's easy to be in a group...all I need to do is click and go.  Yet, most often when I think of being in a group, being an official member, a number more than one, I start to panic.  My heart beats faster, my hands get all clammy... ask Rhonda, I probably even go all  fidgety when I'm declining yet another group invitation. 

My clammy response to the culture club is similar to my experience with the two book clubs that I said yes to. I appreciate these book club selections, value that they exist bringing together other avid readers for discussion...yet I have declined every single one of the group get togethers.  And truthfully I have no intention of going, ever.   I really don't want to schedule the time, make the trip and sit around talking about the books with others.  I'd love to have spontaneous literary discussion but nothing planned, no thank you to organized coordinated events.  I brush it off with the idea that I simly don't want to give up my alone time to be in group time.

All this being said I mentioned to Rhonda that I was super excited to have found a Toastmaster club in Edmonton that I will be joining.  Knowing my hesitation to be in a "club" she laughingly said "but I thought you weren't a club person".  Good point!  The door of inner reflection was opened.  This statement lead me into a week long process of peeling away the layers of why this Toastmaster's club works more conveniently and logically into my life, why I am eager for this and not that, and ultimately back to where I started this blog...what I am commited to. 

What am I committed to?  The answer to this question is a guiding light to me when I make my decisions.  The more conscious I am to what the answer is the more solid I am in the choices I make.  I am committed very strongly now to keeping my life clutter free, in mind, body and spirit.  Clutter is much more than how many trinkets I have on the shelf, how many pairs of shoes are in the closet... clutter is also the piling up of beliefs I don't want to hold onto, feelings that are negative and destructive, saying yes when i want to say no, filling time and space with things and people (although very lovely and delightful).  I really just want the open space...not to be filled with more stuff, just space to breathe, think, be, change, evolve, simplify, laugh, engage, enjoy, share...

It feels like I am indulging in an ultimate experience of snobbery of sorts.  Or at least I think that may be how it's projected.  Yet being clear on my commitment to an uncluttered life, one that I have come to through many lonely struggling days to a place of content stillness I am not eager to release myself, not yet, into the hustle and bustle of be here, do that, bring this, turn right when I want to turn left, be this, be that, jump higher, don't stop...yadda yadda yadda.  Our society promotes wanting and needing more, more, more so it's odd to be stepping outside of that influence and feel that I have enough just the way it is, just the way I am.  Wow...did I just say that out loud?  I am enough just the way I am... hmmmm...yet another thought that shall linger long after I've stopped typing.

My new found Toastmaster club meets once a month, for two hours of focused personal and professional growth.  That fits my other commitments of what I like to do in my private life which makes the choice sweeter and easier to make.  I didn't break into a sweat over deciding whether or not I should join.  It was a moment of instant clarity.  Currently I am not commited to expanding my social network but I am commited to better communication which is what Toastmasters is all about. It's like trying on a cozy wool sweater in the middle of January when it's -35.  Nice fit, good colour and the timing is right.  If I tried on the exact same sweater in the middle of July when it's +35 the timing would be off and the sweater would stay at the store rather than come home with me. Timing, purpose and a good fit must work together for the experience to happen with ease and grace.

As an added bonus the TM meetings are close to where I live, they are in the same building that I work  (that's how we met) and the club president is one of those people that "clicked" for me.  She's someone I know I will learn from.  Ken, if you're reading, this it was just like the day you came to the Obasa office for an unrelated matter and I ended up joining the Prairie Schooner TM club.  In both instances the clubs found me, which leads me into another one of my commitments of allowing that which needs me to find me....no stress, no struggle... just a meeting at the right time and place.   A living example of a favourite wisdom quote by Ernest Holmes who said "that which you are seeking is also seeking you". 

Positive space expands, negative space contracts.  How big do I want my life to be?  How expansive do I want my mind to be?  My commitment thus comes from my desire to experience infinite space.  To live this way I must make choices rather than say yes to everything and everyone.    Not every thought fits my world.  Not every emotion needs to stay. Keeping the commitment to being clutter free I more quickly let go of feelings of sadness, fear, doubt and uncertainty.  When those feeling arise within and start to cloud my world I see that they are taking up space that I don't want to give them.  They are robbing me of precious space that I could be enjoying. Space that could be filled with love, happiness, joy, silence, peace, humour.  I let them go quickly...at best they do not even sit long enough within to gather dust.  If they insist on staying a while it's not for too long as the space is rather clean clutter so they feel unwelcome.  They know to move on.

Also in my commitment I must choose to accept saying good bye to people, places, things and experiences that are leaving my presence for reasons I may not like or understand.  A process which is harder as I don't feel in control, but one that is critical if I am to hold strong to my deeper longing for infinite space.  Contracting my thoughts only hold the hurt longer thus holding me back from embracing the lesson and experiencing the change fully. 

The choices of what I commit to will vary given a multitude of factors.  Being full of stuff, having a packed schedule and raging emotions for me don't equate to adding space to my life, they are in fact the opposite.  In the clarity of open space I see and feel which choices are in alignment with my commitment.  The end result is an authentic experience, whether I am alone or with a group, in which I am fully present and conscious of my commitment to be in uncluttered space, an open mind with an infinite variety of directions that the moment may evolve into.

It's important for me to remember that my group can be as small as two, I don't have to wait for a big gaggle of people.  For example my group is also me and my daughter. Daily we go through the dramatic situations that arise with a teenage girl.  I get my practice every morning...from cataclysmic life ending situations around hairdos to what to have for breakfast the scenarios for practicing being cluttered and uncluttered emotionally is real and ongoing.  I enlisted for this club when I chose to have children and when I chose to move here to be close to them.  Our clubs can be family, friends, work or strangers.  When I own my place in the connection and I start to see what space I want them to have in my world.

I know the experience of being so twisted and cluttered physically and emotionally that I was suffocating in a magnitude of "stuff".  My brain was literally in a process of exploding forcing me to lie in bed wondering if all the physical pain caused by all the stress was bad enough this time to cause a stroke.  One night in particular I lay in the dark wondering if maybe, just maybe, this was the night that my body would have had enough and my heart would stop beating.  Those were times when I lived so consumed and cluttered with beliefs, expectations, duties, regrets, ambitions and activities that I couldn't decide anything.  I was stalemated and mired in a complicated existence. 

My move to a simpler life, a quieter space, downsized and decluttered is a gift that I couldn't have fathomed possible during those times of struggle.  I send a thank you back in time for the inner part of me that knew there was another way and it was coming, like the light of sunrise that assuredly follows the darkest nights.  First I needed to let go, not just in words, but in action...over and over and over again until the new life opened and the stillness entered.

I am a committed person.  I am committed to that which leads to stillness, not just in the pages of a book but in the experiences of my life.  In that space I feel like I can serve others with more clarity, purpose, passion and joy.  This is ultimately what I feel I am here to do.  A huge thank you to Rhonda for her statement that lead to a question that lead to an answer that opened the door to more space.... "To infinity and beyond"...

Royal Happiness

I was avoiding the royal wedding today because of my skepticism in "happily ever after".  Only in story books I told myself.  But I'm tired of that story so I decided to change the storyline... it went like this...

Not across the ocean in jolly old England but a few blocks away in my cozy college office space I treated my coworker, and royal enthusiast Debby, to a celebratory royal wedding tea party.  I made heart shaped scones, special early grey tea, set out fine china including an antique tea pot, scrumptious chocolates and sweet strawberries. It really did look special.with fancy napkins on a pretty blue table covering.  I prepared it all for her last night going back to set it all up so when she arrived at work this morning it was waiting for her.  All the details including a commemorative royal wedding magazine for her to read while she sipped her tea.

Wow, did I have fun getting it all ready, I felt like one of Santa's helpers preparing toys for the kids on Christmas Eve. Life instantly felt lighter... and the light was coming from within.  Nothing outside of me had changed... only my decision to participate in a joyful way rather than being a cynic.   Being a cynic leaves no space to envision the best... only the worst in myself and others.  In that state life gets heavy and cloudy... I want no part of that and I am at choice to do better, think better and feel better.   

I made a choice to believe in Debby's dream of celebrating the royal wedding with fanfare and enthusiasm.  The result was an abundance of laughs, smiles and pure gold happy energy. 

It was not only me who would have missed this joy had I kept my mind in a place of thinking limited negative thoughts.  Like ripples in the pond that move outwards from the effect of one tiny stone the joy spread exponentially as Debby invited some of her friends and colleagues to her tea party.   Spontaneous happiness flowed as they chatted about the brides' dress, the regal festivities and the overall excitement of the day.  Truly happiness shared is happiness multiplied. 

The happiness I have felt all day from seeing how happy Debby was at having received the tea party was totally, totally awesome!  I am grateful that I put aside my sarcastic judgements of the royal wedding to rise to the occasion of love.  By being mindful of another's happiness I increased my own.  As I feel happier I feel more love for myself and others... as others are invited into this loving energy so too do they have the potential to expand the energy even more.  Multiply this feeling throughout our families, our communities and around the world instead of fear and watch the miracles unfold. 

Isn't that what "happily ever after" is all about? 

Top 10 Ways I Support Your Dream

Top 10 Ways I Support Your Dream 

1.  I listen to you when you talk about your dream...even if I don't understand it.  I want to hear the big picture and the details... as wild and wonderful or small and simple as they may be.

2.  I ask questions that help you dream more... "when will you take the next step?", "who is going to be there", "where will you go first?",  "how will you get from A to B... a unicycle perhaps?".  I can also help you brainstorm if you get stuck on an answer... I love that part.  Dreaming together is fun.

3.  I check in to see how your dream is unfolding....more than once because it sometimes take a while to get the dream rolling.

4.  I remind you of your dream when you forget it and feel dreamless.

5.  I share my dream with you so you know that you are not alone in being dreamy.

6.  I send you encouragement notes... tucked into a book, scribbled on a sticky note, posted on facebook, typed out in an email message or sent with care in a hand written card.

7.  I am mindful of events, people, situations and information that may help you connect to your dream... then share my discoveries with you so you can link up as you see fit. 

8.  I ask you to lay on the grass beside me and watch the clouds go by... let's find dragons, giraffes, clowns and eagles in the movement of the vaporous masses floating by.  Let's have fun imagining and playing.

9.  I take steps to live my dream  too so I walk my talk. 

10.  I ask you to make a list of how I can support you... because these are my ideas... I want yours... that's part of my dream.

I'm rethinking politics...

I'm rethinking politics or more specifically one politician, Michael Ignatieff.  I know him as the author of the book I'm currently reading called "The Lesser Evil.  Political Ethics in an Age of Terror."

Today my son said, "hey that guy who wrote that book is running for Prime Minister."  Wow! I have so disconnected myself from current events that I didn't even know this fact.  I've been on a multi-year media fast that for the most part has really cleansed my system of the garbage of the world.  I learn what I need to learn when I need it.  I've become accustomed to a new process where information comes to me.  Like today. 

Now I want to know.... now I want to find out who this man is who would write such a compelling book and who is interested to lead this country.  What's the connection?  Could someone so seemingly conscious of the humanity within events and people also be a politician?  Ahh...shake up my world...perhaps the answer is yes!  hmmmm...

He's a master journalist, educator, researcher and writer.  Before I knew he was a politician I was underlining important thoughts in his book.  He's not just a writer of opinion but a one who questions the underlying philosophies, the thoughts behind the actions...the thoughts behind the thoughts.... yes, now we're getting somewhere different.

I'm not sold on him yet... actually I don't want to be sold.  I want to be inspired.  I want to believe again in the nobility of a leader who blends action with heart and mind.  To feel even a shimmer of that would expand my limits of what I believe is possible.  Possible not just for individuals but for bigger and bigger groups of people. 

I am reawakening something deep inside me that I once felt very passionate about; the larger collective good.  My journey for some time now has been one of moving inwards getting my own house in order.  Now perhaps, if this leader is who I see he may be, then it is time to start moving from within to without.  It's time perhaps to loose the layers of cynicism that adds negative energy to the world and step forward into a different experience of governance.   

From the pages of  a dark and heavy book I may have found some light in a positive politician.  Possible?  Perhaps.  I'm willing to open my mind and do some rethinking.

limitless...

According to the movie "Limitless" 100% mental clarity can be accessed by taking a pill called NZT.  A drug that skyrockets every synapse into activity allowing the user to enjoy an abundance of money, power, sex and fast cars. 
Briefly, until the pills run out.  Then one crashes and burns into sickness with a short attention span, rapid aging, with a bitter end result of a sad and tragic death. 

I get the idea...I like the idea... increased brain activity and unlimited potential... I have books on the shelf, the coffee table and pretty much everywhere in the apartment that speak directly to this idea.  But none of them promote taking short cuts. It's a process...it's work...it's continuous effort that takes time. The results have lasting impact with permanence and significance that go far beyond adrenalin rushes and quick cash.

Clarity, if you want clarity uncluttter your life, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Take the time to let go of what no longer serves you.  This is best done in layers.  My move to a new city and a new life was a drastic way to shift a lot of material belongings.  This was just the first of many layers. Nine months later the emotional and spiritual layers of uncluttering is just settling into my bones. 

Hey, nine months...just the same amount of time as a full term pregnancy.  Coincidence...hmmmm...not to a symbolic seeker such as myself :-) 
Growing life takes time to incubate and take form.  I couldnt' rush the process.  Our culture would have us believe otherwise...here take a pill and find enlightenment.  But in 30 seconds we're not ready for what comes next.  Our minds and hearts have not grown to take in what is happening.  Thus we feel the rush of openings and closing rather than the calmer transition into expansion.  Our life is thus a scattered, cluttered cycle.  It's like only being happy when it's sunny and warm outside rather than being happy even when it's raining, snowing or cold and cloudy.

I am expanding now into keeping my heart open as I learn to let go with more grace rather than fear.  The potential in this is limitless.  It's not a stock market algorithm eureka moment.  It's looking around me and seeing my apartment as a palace rather than a failure; it's allowing people to do what they need to do even when it doesn't include me; it's encouraging my kids to be free even when it means they'll move away; it's about accepting myself even when I feel the pangs of rejection.

For me the process includes walking my dog, writing blogs, swimming in poetry, losing myself in movies, reading inspired texts, zombies watching and gazing at Christmas lights that sparkle from sun up to sun down.  There is no one thing that is getting me to this new place of being.  No short cut.  Just practice, practice, practice.

Yes, this takes me back to the skating blog.... I am reminded again of the importance of practicing even though the ice has melted and the "rink closed for the season" sign is posted.  Skating was only one medium.  Life gives me many and it's up to me to use them to their maximum, limitless potential. 

When I step back and put life situations in to this perspective...wow, does I feel better than getting all twisted up, like the junkie who is crashing from a synthetic high. I'd rather feel the Awesomeness of life through life's natural highs and lows than filling myself with the false reality that something outside of me,  be it a person, place or pill, will help me be myself. 

Moving is not required to unclutter.  Nor is rushing.  Slow down.  Look around wherever you are and start there, one room, one thought, one belief at a time. Don't rush. Be gentle yet encouraging to keep going as the new life on the other side of release is worth the effort...it's a feeling that NZT will never come close to giving you....peace...the beautiful peace that manifests when the limitless power of love becomes bigger than fear.

Have a

day!



Hand made...hand written deliciousness

Mmmmmmm.... delicious!  I wish you could taste what I'm enjoying at this moment...a warm and fresh made from scratch pumpkin harvest muffin.  Crispy on the outside, moist on the inside with a golden finish that reminds me how precious it is.

Earlier this week I received a beautiful card from a friend in Ontario.  Written in her own penmanship were words of appreciation and kindness.  As I opened the envelope at my desk the chaos of the world instantly disappeared into a quiet stillness.  A personal connection showing me that goodness is alive and real.  As real as the paper that was in my hands. 

Knowing that this person with a very busy life had taken the time to choose a card, write out her thoughts and send it to me by post was so special.  Email is convenient and orderly; texting is short and sweet; facebooking is fun and friendly but there is just nothing like receiving something written by hand.  It's personal, we are personal ...we are more than binary code.   

In a fast paced world understanding that someone slowed down enough to connect "old school" expands my heart.  I love to see how life flows through another as I see a glimpse of their personality inked in loops, swirls, lines and dots.  In the computer age an intimate part of our being is disappearing in the name of efficiency.  When do we, if ever, dare to share this personal slowed down part of ourselves rather than opting for easy and fast? 

Thank you Mandy for your thoughtful card that didn't come via computer but by good old Canada Post  reminding me of the humanity that connects us across the miles.  Like the muffins, made with each ingredient chosen from the cupboard instead of a premade dozen from the grocer's shelf,  the card and the hand written words add an abundance of deliciousness, health and joy to my life. 

Splashed... a perspective on perspective

Perspective #1 - Spring temperatures today brought lots of smiles to faces, lots of people out from under their winter parkas and lots of puddles to roadways.   Most drivers are awesome at driving around puddles so they don't splash pedestrians.  Most.  Today I had the experience of meeting up with one who didn't  purposefully switch lanes.  One whom I'm quite sure drove faster to make a bigger splash.  I saw the speeding vehicle coming but with no where to jump and only seconds to make a bolt in any direction I went into protection mode and simple turned my back and covered my head.  Swwwooooosssshhhh.... SOAKED!! 

He got me good.  One minute I was basking in the sunshine the next I was dripping wet as if I just stepped out of the shower.  Nutty!  And so funny.  I turned to Joy, my dog, who I managed to shelter from the bulk of the deluge, and started laughing.  What a sight that must have been!!  I was drenched but still happy to be out walking in above zero weather.  No injuries only road pebbles in my hair and some clothing requiring a good washing. 

Perspective #2 - Last summer in Warman I was out biking, again with Joy, and we got caught in a hail storm.  A wicked, vicious outburst of  ice plummeting from the sky at what felt like a million miles per hour causing bruises and welts all over my arms and legs.  Soaked to the core, shaking like a leaf and in a surreal state of shock we finally made our way home.  I was rattled and sore but nothing that didn't heal within a couple of days.

Perspective #3 - A early morning email message:  My sister and her family are vacationing in Hawaii.  They have been up all night on alert just in case the after shock of the tsunami forces them to move to higher ground.  They are scared and tired but safe; no need to worry.   For a brief moment the whole family felt the shock wave of a catastrophic world event becoming personal with the flash of her words on the screen.  But the shock subside as we learn that they are now simply tourists in a tropical paradise kept from the beach. 

Perspective #4 - Across the Pacific a tsunami leaves parents childless while other children are now utterly alone in an epic wasteland.  Communities vanished in the mighty power of a wave.  Gone.  Gone.  Not hurt, not lost, but gone!  My mind has no paradigm to feel the level of this loss.  People enduring physical and emotional devastation unlike anything I have experienced. 

Water.  Each scenario a story of water, different yet connected in this essential element of life.  I am humbled tonight by the lesson within the water that reminds me to hold perspective; to remember what is important and let go of what is not.  In my mind a puddle can become a tsunami, or a tsunami a puddle, as I allow it.  My choice. 

Peace is my gift when I know the difference in perspective. 

Cradled

Cradled

Along the trail I witness

how the snow is cradled

in the nooks and crannies of trees

where the branches meet the trunk

outstretched limbs

offering places for cities of snowflakes

to rest

a reprieve from

f

      a

           l

               l

                                                                                            i
                                                                                               n
                                                                                                   g

before the melt

when ice transforms

to water

drop

by

drop

nourishing the roots deep within

the forest floor

leaves cradled

in cocooned shells

pulsing

in the energy of rebirth

poised to open in light and warmth

waiting

             waiting

                         waiting

to cradle the earth

in textured layers of greenery

releasing the shades of grey

that mirror winter's hibernation

into the tender embrace

of the Mystery that

cradles us all.

klh

the chocolate chip cookie

This is it.  The gooder than good, greater than great, bester than best chocolate chip recipe, direct from my cupboard to your screen. 

It's the recipe that my son uses when it's just one of those perfect days to stir up some delicious goodness. A Cat in the Hat kinda day like this past Saturday when the temperatures dropped again, the snow swirled as the winds whipped it all into a winter frenzy that kept us indoors bundled up looking for something to do.   

I'm well beyond the point of having to help Tyson bake.  At 16 he's made his own culinary creations for quite some time.  My job is loyal assistant;  making sure all the ingredients are in the cupboard, finding the mixing tools and doing the dishes. Yes, he could do all these things as a solitary endeavour, we know that, but we both relax into our respective duties like clockwork.  We have a routine in our hanging out in the kitchen time.  Beyond the baking we chat, we listen to music, discuss current events, share ideas and joke about funny bits and pieces of who we are and the adventures we've had. 

It's simple.  We didn't have to travel to get to this place.  It didn't cost us a zillion dollars.  No time off work.  Just time. Time together, relaxed and unhurried.   Time that builds a foundation for conversations that are necessary when life is not going so smoothly.  Time that locks in memories for when we're not together and we need a comforting thought to hold onto.  Tyson shared with me that when he was sick last week all he wanted was cookies...our homemade cookies, an affirmation that these chocolate chip cookies are more than what they appear to be... in their essence they are love... delicious, fun and simple.  If we just wanted the cookies we could buy them at the store.  But that's it's more than that. 

Mary Oliver, in her poem, "Mindfulness" speaks so eloquently about how we find beauty and wisdom in the "ordinary, the common, the very drab...".  This precious time of baking with my son using the same recipe, following the same process, playing the same roles, resulting in the same common cookie is far from ordinary.  It is the "untrimmable light" that shines brightly in my heart long after the last morel is devoured. 

Where can you find light in the greyness of life?  Where can you find joy in the common?  With whom can you find beauty in the every day?   The answers are as close as your next breath...in the rhythm of your  beating heart.  They are as delicate as the opening of the tulips on the kitchen table and as quiet as the sound of the whispering winds on a peaceful summer's eve.  Are you listening?  What does it say?  What do you need to do to feel this soft world? 

Mindful by Mary Oliver

Every day

     I see or hear

           something

                  that more or less

kills me

       with delight,

            that leaves me

                   like a needle

in the haystack

     of light.

          It was what I was born for -

                to look, to listen,

to lose myself

     inside this soft world-

         to instruct myself

             over and over

in joy,

   and acclamation.

       Nor am I talking

              about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,

     the very extravagant -

           but of the ordinary,

                 the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations.

      Oh, good scholar,

           I say to myself,

                how can you help

but grow wise

      with such teachings

           as these-

               the untrimmable light

of the world,

    the ocean's shine,

         the prayers that are made

             out of grass?

       

     

feeling into backward...lessons from the rink part 2


Today was the day.  I had the rink to myself.  The ice was hard and smooth from days of minus 20 temperatures.  Sun shining bright...perfect. 

Each time I go to the rink I watch in awe those who can swirl and glide backwards.  I'm pretty good at all things forward but backwards...I knew I just couldn't get it... so I didn't try.  I would secretly watch hockey skaters in particular who can switch forward to backward on a dime... wow!!  If only I could do that too.  But I can't, I'm so sure I can't.  I've never been to hockey camp, never had a skating teacher.  It's way too difficult.

My excuse has been that I couldn't envision what backwards looked like.  In my mind I can't see how to cross over my skates, I don't know the timing, I can't see it.  Just like juggling, I can't see where the balls need to go and when so I don't juggle.  But I'm ok not knowing how to juggle.  I'm not ok only skating forward.  It's like I'm missing half the experience. 

With the rink to myself, a free Saturday afternoon and daytime energy fueling my body I was keen to give backwards a go.  I thought about it and thought about it ... stalling.  Keep going in the direction you know how to go.  Forwards is fine...it's safe.  Then it happened.  I stopped thinking.  I heard the words in my head that said very clearly, "don't think, feel".  Feel what it feels like to skate backwards.  So I did.

Slowly, with ungracious, wobbly steps I started the flow of backwards.  At first I didn't lift my blades much off the ice.  I felt like Bambi all gangly and unknowing of what to do on the ice.  Determined to make the most of all this space and time I practiced and practiced.  When I just moved with the feeling of what it's like to go backwards I was ok yet when I started to think about it I'd start to try harder which ended up in an awkward stumble or crash.  I'd lean too sharp, look down too often, move right when I should have moved left....my brain getting in the way.

The hardest hit came with a knee jarring fall at centre ice when a group of people were passing through the rink.  My judging mind overpowered the joy of just being on the ice with a self-conscious fear of looking foolish.  Ouch!  I could have stopped there limping off the ice...but that's not me.  Up and at'em...shake it off.  They left, I kept skating.

As I practiced the flow of feeling what it's like to go backwards I found that I didn't want to skate forwards...I wanted more of what was new, exciting and expanding.  I had moved into a fuller experience of skating, enjoying a small personal victory of going from what I thought I couldn't do to what I could.  Even my fear of what on lookers might say melting away. 

I've got lots of practicing yet to do but I started...that's the big celebration in my world.   My decision today to not hold back helped me to cross my own inner barrier of what is possible.  Releasing my habit of over thinking was holding me back from having a richer experience. 

Where else am I doing that in my life?  I know a few places; one in particular that has been consuming my mind. I will allow my experience on the ice to teach me what I need to do to move that situation from my head into my heart.  Feel it, not think it.  If I want a fuller experience then it's up to me to do something different.  Stop watching from the sidelines and take an action.  Baby steps are ok... being frozen in fear is not.

How about you.?  Are you stuck in a web of thought.  If you were to feel your way instead of thinking your way who knows what might happen...you might just be able to do what you told yourself you couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't do.

I am eager to get back out to the rink and feel the movement of skating backwards again... and again and again...  Sometimes we simply have to move backwards in order to go forwards. 

edges of the rink

 

What I noticed at the rink last night is that the edges of the rink are the best.  The ice near the edges is smooth as glass, void of almost any skate marks.  That is because few people venture to the edges. The majority of skaters prefer to stay in the grooves of the inner circle.  The track that most people follow is

the thick icy ruts created by those who lap the ice around and around and around and around... 

The ice in the ruts gets cut up, pit holed and choppy. It's easier to fall under conditions like that. I hit the ice hard the other night while crossing over the ruts practicing cross overs en route to the gleaming surface of the corner.  Lesson: get up, shake it off, and try again.  I can't stop just because I fall.  I circle the rink in figure eights and loops of various sizes always with the view to reach the edges for those epic turns that makes me feel like a professional skater.   The turns and swirls that transcend me from the everyday and remind me of how fun skating is. How fun life is.

I think people are afraid of the edges.  What if they fall off the ice?  What if they can't stop?  What if it's off limits?  What will happen if they go where others don't?  What good God would happen if they leave the rut to enjoy the bliss of the corners gleaming under the night sky?  Surely there must be a good reason why no on else goes there...who am I they ask to make tracks on a clean surface?  What if I stand out from the crowd?  What if....

Well let me ask you this?  Who are you not to?  Who are you not to tread where others don't?  Who are you to stay stuck in the ruts, get caught in the race and leave yourself in the grooves created by generations of others who make the holes that are most likely to trip you? 

The edges are beautiful.  They call you to practice turning so you don't crash.  They call you to be extra mindful of space, timing and distance.  They invite you to see your own path marked clearly.  They dare you to experience moments of delight that others miss.  They ask you to listen to the sound of ice cut under your blade, not the scraping of rough and worn surfaces.  They remind you that there is more to life than the circle of contentment.  They teach you to get up if you fall down, especially if it hurts hard.  Next time have your eyes open wider and your focus sharper. 

The rink is life.  The ruts create order for the masses.  Use them if you must but don't get stuck in them.  Cross over to the corners.  They are the diamonds that glisten in the night sky that make the skate worth while.  Fall into the snow if you can't stop, hit the boards....then bounce back knowing that you are stronger than you thought.  Live life for the edges so you can enjoy the fullness of the skate.

The season is drawing to a close... Spring is just around the corner so if you  haven't laced up and hit the outdoor rink yet I invite you to do what you have to to make that happen. Even if it's just once...accept the tease of the corner so you can say you've been there.  Guaranteed glee...now that's AWESOME!!!!

p.s.  my skating visual is refusing to move to the centre...this is too funny... so I'm going to stop the struggle of forcing it to do what I want and let it be on the edge...obviously that's where it wants to be :-)

an awesome day!

Top to bottom, inside out and backwards it's an awesome day! 

This morning for my birthday my awesome and amazing kids gave me a book called "The Book of Awesome" by Neil Pasricha. It's a treasure of fun and happy bits of life that are, as the title says, awesome!!
For example, page 174 "Your favorite old, comfy T-shirt"; page 104 "That friendly nod between strangers out doing the same thing; page 374 "The last day of school"; page 44 "Hitting a bunch of green lights in a row". 

In my own story over the past couple of days Awesome looked like having my lost wallet returned with everything in it...money included; receiving a misplaced courier package; going to a cheerleader competition surrounded by high adrenaline excitement; holding my little niece's hand and feeling her squeeze my finger as she drifted off to sleep. 
Simple moments of wonder.  They could mean nothing, or they could mean something.  It's my choice and what I choose creates the life that I want.  I need to make a decision, over and over and over again.  Those are the actions of my life unfolding with purpose.  If I set my purpose to having an awesome experience then whatever happens I know the process and the experience will be for my good.  My paradigm of awesome is an internal action that elevates everything in my world.

By feeling an abundance of awesome I find that I can weather the "not so awesome" with quicker turn around time.  There's been a few situations this week that could easily have spriraled into darkness.  Yet, even in the deepest parts of what seemed terribly askew I had an even deeper knowing that this too was awesome. For through the rough stuff love was unfolding in new and wonderful ways.  

To the common phrase "how's it going?" I double dog dare you to reply back to the questioner, "I'm having an awesome day!"  and mean it.  Say it with a smile so it comes from your heart.  Challenge the status quo that robotically says' "not so bad"...or "ok I guess".  Don't guess at your life.  Make it what you want.  Make it awesome through your thoughts, your words and your actions. One small step, one small detail, one small connection at a time allow the awesomeness to unfold.    

My choice is awesome!  I am blessed beyond words in this feeling.  Thank you to all of the wonderful, amazing and happy people who are gracing my day, my birthday with delicious awesomeness.

For more information on the official Book of Awesome check out http://www.1000awesomethings.com/
 or watch Neil Pasricha on http://www.ted.com/ . 

Extremes or Middleground?

I never thought that I'd be saying this but I'm craving life in the middle.  The middle of what?  The middle of extremes. 
I've long had an affinity for going too far one way or the other.  My family will all raise their hands to attest to that.  Not skydiving off mountains or driving at Indy but extremes of thought, involvement, feelings, actions in day to day life. 
I don't just sit on a committee but act as Chairman.;  I don't just start a new job I'm also on the President's Advisor Council;  I don't just watch what I eat but I do the Master Cleanse or the Warrior diet.  I seldom just dip my toes in the water but dive right into the deep end, regardless of the fact that I can't swim all that well. 
This is pretty cool for the fun things in life but that's the thing with extremes they go both ways.
I've been an extremist in not keeping track of financial details which sucks when looking at the bottom line; I go to extremes of disconnecting from people, including those I love; I don't just give away things I don't want but also things I need leaving myself without; I've hurt relationships by being extremely stubborn and defensive...extreme thinking damaging myself and others.

Thus the craving for the middle.  A place where i am not playing catch up physically, emotionally or spiritually.  Living at extremes can be powerfully wonderful as well as incredibly draining.  The roller coaster that never stops for a break unless it crashes.  I talked about crashes in the last blog and their underlying symbolism for that part of us that simply wants to connect...to feel.

I want to feel without knowing that it's an either/or world.  I want to feel that the middle is safe, happy and valuable. Is it the only place I'll live?  Not a chance... but it can be home base from which I can enjoy my past and create a future that I truly desire. 

Life happens in the middle yet this is where I've fought not to be.  Ahhhh...there's the point.  I'm either running into the future or running from the past, still not settled in the only moment I will ever have - this moment.  I've heard it taught many many times but to truly live it will be the grace of moving more peacefully through the world by looking after the details while I'm gazing at the stars.  I can do both which lands me in the middle... not later but now. 

It's all good.

crashing into sidewalks

Have you ever noticed that most people only shovel the snow right in front of their house?  I'm just in from a walk and found it particularly interesting that so many neighbours shovel only their property...and not an inch more.  I bet they have an exact eye for where their property line officially ends and their neighbour's begins. 

Few and far between are the neighbourhoods that extend the extra effort and shovel just one property more.  Divisions and separations clear and tangible. 

The movie Crash is a poignant, powerful film that tells the story of lives ripped apart through divisions of race.  The stark depiction of a reality of harsh boundaries between people.  The line between me and you is solid, heavy and cruel.  Fear erases the possibility of "us" without mercy and with deep sadness.  Shoveling snow may seem like a stretch to the racial divisions of Los Angeles but big problems start with small problems that never get fixed.

Simple, small steps can bridge the divisions in my neighbourhood, in my city, in my country, in my world.  Be it a unified thought or action.  Without efforts to come together, to expand the borders of "me" there is a trajectory for people to be as the narrator at the beginning of Crash states "... we crash into each other so we can feel something".  Divisions bury the feelings we most desire...love, happiness, joy...

Shovel your neighbours walk...literally or metaphorically.  Your mind, heart and body will be stronger as a result...so too will be your neighbours.  Connect rather than crash.

life through a straw

I drink my tea with a straw...it's the South American mate tea that is most delicious first thing in the morning...best to drink it in a authentic gourd with a mate straw.  Which brings me to my lightbulb moment... my warm tea this cold cold morning was much desired...yet it just wasn't flowing through the straw.  Try as I might I would only get little bits of liquid through it.  Somewhere in it's simple system it is plugged with tea leaves.  This happens.  But I forget to clean it thoroughly everyday.  I give it a once over... making sure the outside is clean and shiny.  After several frustrating attempts at sipping and having no success with a good helping of tea I stopped.  Enough of that straw!
Then I reached into the drawer and pulled out my back up straw.  The one I had forgotten about but found the other day when I was looking for something else.  I put it in the gourd and Voila!! tea.... oodles and zoodle of smooth flowing delicous and nutrious  tea.
Why fight with a plugged straw?!  It's frustrating and senseless.  Life gets plugged sometimes...oftentimes.  Plugged with the build up of people, thoughts, events, stuff, activities, the past, the future, what was done, what we wish hadn't been done.  Just plugged!  If I don't clean out the straw of my life regularly...not just a shiny polish but a real clearing I too will plug the flow of my life.
I don't want that to happen because then I'll miss the delicious flavours of the moment which collectively are my life.  Sometimes a good clearing may mean switching out straws entirely...so be it.  I want life to be smooth flowing and unplugged.
It's not complicated.  Just be clear...be clean not just shiny.  Make sure your insides are uncluttered so life can flow with greater ease.  Write it out, speak it out, pray it out....however you clean just make sure you do it regularly, thoroughly and deeply.  Don't wait for a blockage as it may come in your heart, your mind, your job, your money, your relationship. 
Today I ask myself to be clear of built up emotions so I can be free and clear to be fully present.  Present with myself so I can be present with others.  Unhurried, uncluttered and understanding. 

heart beat



who speaks to your heart?...to whom do you share yours?

i'm pondering tonight the vibrations that move through my heart .... some people, some news, some words, some thoughts that instantly open me to more love, more tears, more smiles, more wondering...it's not everyone or everything ... not always but often... from out of the blue but not really because i know that nothing is coincidence...it's all perfect.... complicated (maybe) but still simple ...

what is it that connects me in those moments.  today.... when i heard the story of a soldier paralyzed by war my heart felt crushed; when i look into the eyes of a friend and i share a revelation of my soul; when i smile at a stranger to let them know they are not alone...or to remind myself; when i read words in a poem that stir my mind to a depth that i feel at one with the vastness of the universe at the same time as being inside the drop of water on the petal of an awakened leaf

alive.  these moments tell me i am alive.  this is why my heart beats...