what if...a look into the eyes of denialism


What if I truly am enough, just like this?  Not five pounds lighter, not more wealthy, not more inclusive, more engaged, more enlightened, more learned, more simple, more complicated, more connected, more more more...

This afternoon I was daydreaming out loud with my daughter what I'd do if I had a million dollar windfall...I'd buy a three bedroom condo and we'd move out of our little one bedroom place into a spacious home with individual places for her, me and my son.  Why she asked...let's just stay where we are.  What we have is enough.  Let's just put the money in the bank....travel...give...invest.  This from my girl who dreams of mansions, limousines and designer wardrobes!

We were talking while driving out to her dad's in the suburbs...a place that I struggle with as I feel like a total outsider.  My kid's other home is, in my view, a "Martha Stewart" world.  It's lovely.  I try not to judge it but have lingering feelings that place it higher on the shelf than my world.  If I have less am I less...
In my sanest moments I know this not to be true...but yet it lingers bringing up deep beliefs from the netherworld within.

Then tonight pondering thoughts from the most recent book I started reading called "Denialism.  How Irrational Thinking Harms the Planet and Threatens our Lives" by Michael Specter I sit back from the thoughts of denialism on the environment, nutrition and pharmaceuticals to look straight in the eye of what I have been denying... this is good enough...I am good enough just the way I am.  My irrational thinking that takes me into the realms of needing more space and more stuff harms me and threatens the very life that I want to create.  I am my own biggest denier (is that a word?).

One of the hallmark signs of being a true denier is that you overlook the data.  You miss what is presented right in front of you to stay entrenched in your own mindset however wrong and twisted it might be.  Right in front of me was my beloved daughter saying our world was good just that way it is.  Neither her nor my son have ever asked for it to be more... nor for me to be someone who I am not.  Well Jamie would like me to be less embarrassing at times ... but that's par for the course of a 14 yr old.

Hearing my daughter speak so clearly and confidently that what we have here is awesome shook something inside me.  It's still shaking and settling into a new belief.  What if I just let go of trying to be what I'm not...I'm not suburbia, I'm not Martha Stewart...I'm me...who ever that is... and she's a growing, dynamic, caring and loving person.  I don't get it right all the time...to think that I do would be to deny the truth of being human.  I hold myself up to that unrealistic platform all too often....how about I don't.  What if I step into the new year with eyes focused on a greater truth.  How about I have a million dollars in the bank and cozy up with the two most amazing kids on the planet in our happy little home playing Yahtzee while we dream up a family road trip.... to a far away land or off to Saskatoon. 

I'm not stopping my journey of learning, of developing my mind and resources but I feel a shift for it to come from a different place... yes... something is shifting.  I am grateful to have looked into the eyes  of denialism and have it look back out at me... my mirror to higher thoughts.

Check out this book if you are ready to look at your thinking in a new way....

accumulation...

      Power...full



I've been slacking off lately with my daily push up routine.  I don't do push ups on my head like this guy but I thought the picture was too cool not to use.  I do push ups the way Neil taught me.  I was in the routine of doing ten well formed, strength focused push ups in the morning and at night.  If I did no other exercise all day at least I knew that I'd be doing this.  It didn't feel like much but I was something in the name of fitness and discipline. 
A year ago Neil taught me a better way to do the push up.  I had been doing a lot of push ups for several years but didn't have the correct form... I dropped from 50 per set to 10.  I learned that it was better to do ten clean than 50 dirty (so to speak).   I continued to discipline myself morning and night until this last while when I just stopped.  Life got busy, I got tired, I felt frustrated, I just wanted to sleep.  Excuses, excuses, excuses.  Yet even knowing that I was creating excuses rather than results still wasn't enough to get me back on the floor.
Today when I was out walking I was pondering this situation in my life and a light bulb went off... it's not just ten push ups that I'm missing out on, but it's an accumulation of ten.  Ten per set, two sets per day, seven days per week, fifty two weeks per year....that's a possible 7280 push ups per year that I'm missing if I stay on this track.  It's not just one, it's the accumlation of one that makes the difference. 
When I got home I did my ten.  Tonight I'll do another ten.  Tomorrow I'll do another two sets... and so on and so on.  I need and want that discipline so I accumulate strength rather than deteriorate into excuses.

I'm working with a financial coach to help me do the same thing with my money.  A  year from now I want to look back on a year of wealth accumlation instead of a year of "where did it all go?!".   Connections ... physical push ups, financial bank accounts, results or excuses...my choice.  My Christmas gift to myself is an awakening to getting on track so I build powerful outcomes.  Maybe a year from now I will be able to do a push up standing on my head like Mr. Muscle...super cool!!

Happy Christmas wishes to everyone!!  May you have a year of awesome results rather than excuses!!

the darkest day... in celebration of the winter solstice

Winter Solstice

with

in

the

darkness

I

feel

light

Today has been a day of feeling the depth of dark beliefs...beliefs of being unable to provide, being unable to rise beyond my past, being unworthy of abundance.  I spent the morning in tears that welled up from within the darkness that cloaked me in a veil of sadness.  Unexpected circumstances moving me into the winds of self doubt. 

Yet I am not my past, I am not my doubt or my darkness... they are a part of me but they are not all of me...just as the sunrise brings way to a new day...always... just as winter gives birth to spring... always...

I chose to reach for the wisdom of a friend who knows my heart and knows a higher truth.  I allowed her words and thoughts to reach into me and help me see the light.  This is the power of love, the deepest power that transforms, heals and awakens from within finding purpose in the journey of darkness. 

fears

frozen

to

de

         frost

in

love's 

heat

for 

Self

in

You

in

Us

in

Me

always

                      in all

                                      ways

                                                                         



TRON..a portal into utopian thoughts


The quest for perfection leads to chaos... the truth of the ultimate grid is that it's all right here... perfect is here...it's now....it's right in front of you...it's right in front of me...

Apparent perfection is the illusion that keeps me out of sync with this amazing experience that I am here to live.  I have been quietly comparing my life to others who are more loving, more wise, more wealthy, more accomplished.  Each time I fall into that quest I loose a part of who I am... I can feel the slide... subltly showing through in the little comments, the little thoughts, the little strings to the past that are holding me from truly being here in this moment...thoughts that keep me small and alone. 

Thanks Gerald for reminding me to write as my connection of expression, contemplation, expansion... to not get lost in my thoughts but use them as tools, as mirrors and channels.   My first choice when life goes sideways is to go deeper and deeper into my self... when I need others the most is when I start to draw back and cut myself off.  When I do this I fall off the grid and loose the value and the magic of what is perfectly perfect right now. 

These are my thoughts of this day.  Drawn from the big screen story into my own life then onto this little laptop screen.

I'm off to sleep and dream about utopia... what does utopia mean????... I ask that the thoughts flow to me and through me as I linger in the energy of Tron.  And while I'm dreaming let me have one of those awesome Tron suits...YES! 

I'm reading Seth Godin's book "Linchpin".  I was reading merrily along agreeing agreeing having some lightbulb moments and then... bang... he said something today that made me close the book and go for a walk.  Honest to god I couldn't read another word.  I just had to close and go.

He was talking about how we do things that interfere with what we really want to accomplish.  Such things as blogging, internetting, proscrastinating, talking, making committees...anything and everything that could possibly distract our attention away from that which we know is our art.  Our art being that which we are here to create and express from deep within us. 

I know my art of connecting to the humanity within people has been calling me to write a book.  I was frozen in my place because he said that blogging is a way of interfering. Does it do what I want it to do?  Does it spread my art?  I don't know.  For the most part I may very well just be typing to myself.  Words floating off into the nether regions of space.  Void then of any significance.  That's not the product I want to create.  I want to create something that sits with people.  I want to create a book that gets hauled about in backpacks, flipped through on coffee tables, lingered over in quiet conversations, discussed in a book club (well maybe not that).  I want my art to affect a change within the reader.  I want it to open hearts, open minds, move anger into compassion, shift complacency into action... 

In order to do that I need to write it.  And maybe my book that is destined to be earmarked, underlined, quoted and written as a must have for Christmas is not the first one I write.  But I must write one in order to write two or three or four.  Four being my magic number may be the book that is truly the one where it all comes together.  I am starting today to dream bigger than my blog.  Bigger than my mind... I want to take what's in my mind and grow it.  A year from now I will have a copy of my first manuscript (is that even the right word??) I don't know.  But I'm starting.  I may not blog much as I'll be writing my book... or maybe I'll blog about writing my book as a way of complementing and processing.  Again I don't know.  But I can't wait until I know in order to begin. 

Consider this a begining.  A statement to the Universe that I am taking the next step and have set the wheels of creation in motion.  One year from now I will have a book ready for Christmas giving.  Put it on your list.

yelling ...

Monday was a nutty day.  I allowed myself to be twisted up in a mental struggle on whether or not to make a last minute choice to travel to Saskatchewan to my grandma's funeral.  From moments of peace, to moments of sadness, tears, then peace again, then angst, then disappointment, then peace... I couldn't decide, then I could, then I couldn't...

After a long work day I thought a walk would help clear my mind.  The fresh air would help me to really know for once and for all what I was to do.  On my long chilly outing I had a couple of odd experiences with people yelling.  My typical route often has loads of traffic but mostly quiet of people's voices, yet on this night I had a couple of  close encounters with people who were yelling. 

One guy unrolled his window and yelled at me because I was a pedestrian who wanted to use a cross walk.  Yep, I was a bit surprised to see him unroll his window after I had bolted through the cross walk so as not to hold up traffic.  But apparently stopping at all for this big truck was too much.  He yelled very loudly at me "Can't you wait?!"  I had to look around to see if he was yelling at me.  Yep I was the only one there and he was yelling directly at me.  I was shocked but not distubed...kinda weird.

If only he knew his words actually turned into an inspired basis of contemplation.  "Ya, what's the rush?"  "Why can't I slow down?"  "Why all the pressure?"  I envisioned him as an angel sent to me to tell me to wait.  To take my time.  To know that I could go slower and all would be ok.  My mind was so cluttered with my convoluted thinking that I wasn't hearing my guides clearly.  An angel intervention was needed and he came in the form of an annoyed driver.  He definitely got my attention with his loud voice. 

Then about 15 minutes later at the top of the hill I one of my fellow pedestrians was just walking and yelling.  At first I thought she must be on the phone with someone but no, she was just yelling unkind nasty things.  Needless to say I stayed on the other side of the street and picked up my pace so we wouldn't meet up at the lights.  I think she was having a really rough day.  Her mind was obviously in a state of unease.  Strange happenstance or a divinely timed message.  I choose the latter.

In my apartment building I was hypersensitive to sound and picked up yelling from somewhere on another floor or maybe from my neighbours.  I hear it every once in a while and tend to ignore it because it's really unpleasant to hear but that night I was saddened by all the unhappiness in the yelling...the loudness, the harshness, the hurt for the one yelling as well as the one being yelled at.  I just wanted to turn it off, make it go away.  Just as I wanted to get rid of my desperate state of trying to make a decision.

Why all the yelling????  Why Monday???? 
Tonight sitting in my peaceful apartment enjoying sounds of Nora Jones, the joyful conversation of my daughter, laughter and phone calls from family I'm pondering the difference and have come to the conclusion that all the yelling was simply the external manifestation of what I was doing to myself.  I was yelling at me inside puzzled in my self imposed dilema. My quiet world turned upside down and volumne on high while I wrestled with my decision....

And then I decided to stay home.  I made a choice. The funeral day passed, the storm clouds moved on and the sun came out.  Then there was silence.  Then there was peace within my mind.  Low and behond the external world responded in kind.  I have been gifted with flowers, fruit, cards, balloons, laughter, funny stories and many many many happy memories of my grandma. 

Gram told me on several accounts that "this too shall pass" when I was all twisted up about something.  Her great wisdom came back to me so clearly on the day of her funeral when I was at my desk missing everyone who was there and missing her.   Tears would come, and go, I'd pause, start over, breath... repeat.  The saddness passed.  The joy returned.  That's what love does.    That's what love is.  Love never leaves it just changes form.

Thank you gram, thank you angel with the loud voice and big truck, thank you other yellers and thank you to all those who anchored me in the quiet, peaceful, loving, awesome life that I have the honour of living. 

unraveling the fabric

i want to unravel the fabric tonight,
the fabric of an ordered life.
i want to ask for a miracle

the miracle is acceptance.  acceptance of what is
rather than fighting what "should" be

my mind wrestling my heart into a quandry
knowing
                better

craving arms that hold me close
and whisper that all is
                                 ok
even when the threads
 are  coming  undone

i don't want to hear words
hollow  gasping  pleading

for a pattern

it's time to let the pieces fall
moments of time
released into the
                             space
of holding on
when it's time
to
let go  of you  

trusting in the
                   fabric of the world
    knowing there is order
in my soul
even when i can't feel it

this tension a
                    miracle  
                               
wrapping me in 
love


i can say good bye
from here

that is the order

my mind was unraveling
itself or so i pretended
but
 i know this is in
                          perfect order
in an ordered world

I'm in love...madly, wonderfully in love

yes, it's official, I'm in love... that crazy kind of love when everytime you're in the presence of your beloved it's like a happy parade going off in your mind...when you're apart the excitement of being together is pure joy... yes, it's love alright and I'm looking out at my beloved now... my multicoloured, illuminated, magical, gorgeous and divine christmas lights that I have wrapped around and around and around my deck railing.  My life is aglow inside and out. 

I've loved Christmas lights, I've had a light fetish you could say, for years...but never like this.  Mingled in with the backdrop of th lights of the city buildings and streetlights my outside world is truly amazing.  I can hardly wait for the sun to set so the lights can transform into their brilliant colours and sparle into my mind and heart.  Each time I look out into the night it's like I'm seeing them for the first time and smile at how beautiful they are. I leave them on all night so I see their glittering glow first thing when I wake early in the morning.

My daughter laughs at me because sometimes I am literally catching my breath at how magical they look.  I have a gasp... that excitement sound of "oh I'm so happy you're here".   Reminds me of the child playing with the jack-in-the-box who is surprised each time the puppet jumps up, endlessly amused and tickled pink at the joy of the surprise.  That's me with the lights.  Endlessly surprised at how much happiness I feel when I gaze into their sparkling twisted and tumbled display. 

Love is simple.  Love is light.  Love
                                                      is
                                                        the
                                                             movement
                                                                       of the
                                                                               lights
                                                                                        from
                                                                                                with out
                                                                                                            to
                                                                                                                with in

When I'm in the love of the lights I don't feel any angst or frustration.  Anything that may have been bothering is gone, trivial triffles dispelled in the depth of the feeling of love.  I am reminded by their simple, quiet nature how I want to live...how I want to love... deeply happily colourfully brightly... always delighted, truly delighted when my beloved is with me.
Many many months ago when I first started my plans for my move I started to write that my adventure would be a love story.  Not a love relationship but a love story.  This is the chapter I am in...the chapter on lights, the chapter when certain heavy stressors in my life are lifting and I am moving into a lighter place of balance and harmony.  The lights are a gift.  They remind me of how beautifully and simply my love story is unfolding.  A love of life, a love of self, a love of the small details, a love of grand designs, a love of missing people and a love of learning what to let go of and what to hold onto.  A love of listening to the gentle voice that reminds me over and over again that it's all good.  Every word of every chapter is good.  

moon and sun

moon reflects
sun illumines

light from another
light from within

cold dusty rock
hot boiling explosions

sun flowers
sun beams
sun shines

yes!

to be present

Years ago a friend and I had a challenge... when someone asked "how are you?" we would only answer if the person stopped and listened to the answer.  Suffice to say neither of us answered often.  Most people didn't even notice that an answer wasn't given.  Now blow up that scenario onto a bigger screen. 
What does it mean to be fully present with someone. I've been exploring that more and more.  In my world it means not doing any other thing than being with the person I'm with.  Emotionally or physically.  When I'm walking and someone asks "how are you" I make sure we have eye contact before I reply and then hold that contact until after they have given me their answer. it's great to see the look in someone's face when I give them that moment to truly answer the question and listen.  There is a quiet appreciation for not rushing past. 
Being present means not worrying or hurrying when I'm with someone.  And if I do get all muddled up I check myself and start over.  I've noticed myself doing that with my daughter when I'm really not listening or being available fully.  I correct myself, often out loud, so she understands where I was and why I needed to start again.  The results are so precious that it's worth the practice in learning to be here.
Walking I often take out my ipod headphones so I can hear the world around me.  To be fully present with the trees, the paths, the wind, the sun.  I love the music but I use it to take me out of the moment and into another.  There are times when I intentionally listen to the music to disconnect me from the presence of the traffic, or the crowds of people around me. I'm conscious of the differences and how they are serving me. 
I am grateful for a quieter life these days that I am allowing to be a portal into being more present with life.  My distraction and disconnect before was not music but busy-ness and emotional distance.  I intellectually understood the concept of presence and I dabbled but didn't really get it. I am much more engaged with the practice of presence now and loving it.  I love the feeling and seeing beyond the surface of me, of you, of us, of space of time....for that's what presence does, it takes you beyond the surface into the other, into their story, into their heart, into their mind.  From that place I receive expanded perspectives, deeper understandings and greater compassion. 
 
In a culture that encourages us to be anywhere than where we are, to be present with someone, some activity or some place is an oddity.  Be odd.  Be present.  Be fully focused in the moment with both mind and body. That's my goal for the day.  From the simple to the sublime my intention is to be connected to what I'm doing and thinking.  Really feel life instead of just moving through it. 
I'm not in a rush to live today.  I'm enjoying the beauty of feeling these words, reflecting on experiences of being present, of watching the sun stream across my shiny floors, seeing the light dance through the coloured glass on the table... my list of things to do will get done.  One at a time.  With presence.  With love.

that's what that look was all about

I've just thought of what that look was all about... or at least this is the story of what I think it was saying:  "What is someone from the Facilities Department doing at a lecture on Autism?"  It was a look of exclusion.  Bewilderment of not knowing what to think when an irregular object appears in your world where everything has a certain place.  Everybody else in the room were teachers and student support staff.  What did this have to do with the person who looks after parking, temperature controls and office furniture?

To anybody that knows me I am a mind junkie, a student of thought, ideas, visions...regular or irregular the mind is fascinating.  Learning more about the humanity of people through the workings of the mind is my passion.  To me it's only natural that someone from Facilities should be there... I look after buildings but for whom??? People!!!!  The more I know about the one the more I know about the other.

The lecture on autism was a lecture on life...I could see the teachings applying across the full spectrum of people to varying degrees.  Communication skills, perceptive abilities, organizational tools, support systems.... everyone should know about these things being presented. 

Did you know that the four unwritten rules of communication are:
1.  Quantity
2.  Quality
3.  Relevance
4.  Clarity

With autistic people specialists recommend expressing direct statements when any of these rules are broken.  It's encouraged and accepted.  Why therefore is the rest of civilization excluded from being called out when these rules are broken?  If we all learned to communicate with these rules more clearly in mind and allow others to challenge us when we cross the boundries we'd all get along better, or at least more clearly.  Enough of the pretentions.

Perhaps that's what I should have done in the moment when I felt a look of "what are you doing here?"  It has taken me almost four hours to piece together the words to express what I felt in that moment.  I would like to share with this "educator" why I was there and my vision to connect with the humanity in whatever role I take on in life; Facilities Coordinator, Life Coach, Baker, Office Administrator... you name it and I'll find the human side.  It's what I do. 

I'm grateful to have received a look that took me into deep thought.  My reflections on the significance of our shared humanness reconnects me to my purpose. Thank you lady with the look....today you were my unintended but wonderfully timed muse.

the only place to start

the only place
to start
is right     here 
right         now 
i have all this
space
to    write
to    be
yet
i am
speechless...so to speak
too many
directions

i want 
             stillness
so we can
connect
in quiet
             thought
like the rain
f
 a
    l
      l
        i
          n
             g
in
    jacob's ink
moving
my
soul
beyond 
            within

the breath of
life
layered stripped exposed
caressed   held   loved 

drop
      ping
me
into
awakened          sleep